The Fetish Issue: Sitophilia, Retifism, Lactophilia, and Figging

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Hi Ms. M.,

What is figging?

Thanks,

Joe

Figgin Newton!! Figging is anal play with ginger root. Nowadays, it can also include play in the vagina or male urethra. It’s more commonly practiced within the BDSM lifestyle. As with nearly all practices, different people have different experiences. Sometimes the one being figged can’t clench their butt cheeks around the ginger because to do so causes a burning sensation. Their Dom then enjoys spanking them and watching their cheeks bounce unclenched. Other subs swear by the spectacularly delicious sensations it bestows upon their insides. The overall idea is to be overwhelmed with anticipation, then eventually turned on and raging hot by the new sensations the ginger produces inside the body. Some women say it makes them hornier than ever and brings them to new orgasmic heights. Others say they can’t stand it inside their vagina because it burns too much. If you’re planning to engage in the practice, I’d recommend doing some careful research first to learn how to prepare the ginger root properly so that you don’t hurt yourself or your partner. I do know you’ll want to buy an entire hand of ginger rather than one that’s been precut at the supermarket. Personally, I’d recommend an organic one. Nobody wants pesticides in their orifices! The fresher the ginger root, the better and more potent it will be. Just before use, cut one of the longer fingers off the hand. Peel it and carve it into whatever you wish — many like the shape of a butt plug. Rinse the ginger in cold water to make sure all of its skin is removed. Wash your hands when you’re done cutting and carving since you won’t want to accidentally rub the juice of the ginger on your eyes or your partner’s eyes. Also use lots of cold water with insertion, but never use lube, as that will kill all the natural wonderful sensations.  And if you try it be sure to check back in and let us know how it goes!

Best of Luck,

Ms. M.

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Ms. M.,

I’ve been seeing the same man for nearly a year. I work days and he works nights. I also have a dog to care for so between our schedules and the dog, he has a key to my place and we spend about five nights a week together at mine. Last week I wasn’t feeling very well so I left work early. I tried calling him a couple times to let him know I was on my way but when he didn’t answer I assumed he was still sleeping. When I entered my apartment there was loud music playing. I walked into the bedroom and found him lying on his back with all of my shoes surrounding his naked body and scattered all over my new Pratesi duvet. He was holding one of my shoes over his nose and mouth while his right hand vigorously jerked his cock. But he didn’t stop when he noticed me there. He just jerked harder and made weird moaning sounds I had never heard him make before. It sounded like he was in pain but also utter delight. I was shell-shocked and couldn’t move or speak. His entire body began to shake unlike anything I have ever seen and he ejaculated a gigantic load that blew everywhere on my shoes, my duvet, and my floor. Only the slightest part of me was turned on. Mostly I was pissed his cum splattered all over my patent leather Christian Louboutins and my Burberry rain boots. I fled my apartment, partly disgusted and partly afraid. I also felt extremely betrayed. I didn’t want to wait for the elevator so I took the stairs. I was feeling even more sick at this point and vomited in my stairwell. He called me fifteen minutes later and asked where I wanted to meet him for lunch. He acted as if nothing had happened and neither of us has mentioned it since. We also haven’t had sex since. I will add, while he did put all of my shoes back in my closet, he didn’t do a very good job of cleaning the jizz off my Louboutins or boots. My question is, WTF?

I can understand why learning of your boyfriend’s obvious fetish after “nearly a year” of dating made you feel betrayed. He hasn’t been upfront or honest with you about something that obviously turns him on like mad. There are various fetishes associated with feet and shoes, but most fetishists are clever and highly particular. If he’s never nibbled one of your toes during sex, my guess is that this is less Podophilia (foot fetish) and more Retifism, a shoe fetish.

There are two types of Retifism. The one you, Imelda Marcos, and I share is, “OMG I NEED those amazing sexy shoes NOW! Must buy!” And then there’s the one your boyfriend shares with Marquis de Sade’s rival and 18th century French novelist, Nicolas-Edme Rétif de la Bretonne — the sexual attraction to shoes, not feet. Many Retifists steal shoes, so you might want to keep a good inventory checklist at all times. They get off on the way the shoes look and feel, but they really get off on the way they smell. And it seems like your guy likes the smell of used shoes, particularly, your used shoes. Since there were boots involved, I would say he’s a pure Retifist rather than into Altocalciphilia, which is a specific attraction to high-heels and a subset of Retifism.

Look, you need to talk about this one way or another. Humor is a great way to break the ice. Come home from work, take off your sweaty shoes, and playfully put one over his nose and declare you want to give him a shoegasm. Or you could surprise him the next time he comes in by leaving a trail of your shoes from the front door to the bed where you’ll be lying naked. Letting him know you’re open to at least trying or accepting his fetish will facilitate an easier more comfortable conversation. Don’t begin the conversation angry, accusatory, or placing blame. Once you’ve had a discussion and you get a sense of how deep his fetish is, then you can decide if it’s something you can live with in your relationship or not. The general rule is, if his sexual functions are normal and healthy when the two of you are having sex, and if you’re satisfied, then this little fetish really shouldn’t be too big of a problem. However, if it turns out he can’t get an erection without one of your dirty shoes in his face, there’s a problem.

Hopefully he’ll have the good sense to apologize for disrespecting your space since it’s not his apartment and he didn’t buy that expensive luxurious Pratesi duvet or those patent leather Chrissy Lou’s. I honestly don’t think it’s the fetish here that’s the issue. It’s the fact he disrespected your home, your things, and more importantly, your relationship by not being honest and upfront with you.

Who knows? After your conversation, you could work this in your favor and request that he purchase one or two new pairs of shoes a month. I’d also request he not put the shoes on the Pratesi duvet. Get a throw to cover it for when he wants to indulge. Or you may just decide this whole situation is not one you wish to continue living with, in which case, the sooner you break it off, the better.

One last tidbit from one non-sexual Retifist to another: you can use Windex and a soft cloth on your patent leather shoes to clean the outside of them. This girl knows. I’ve had one too many drunken dancing gays spill their vodka sodas on my Loubi’s over the years, and Windex works every time!

Love Always,

Ms. M.

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Dear Ms. M.,

Two weeks ago I met an awesome man. On the first night I thought it would be a one-night stand, but we have since spent ten of the past sixteen nights together. He’s into my breasts more than I fancy. I have extremely sensitive nipples but he always insists on sucking and playing with them even more than he kisses me and it gets to the point of being painful. If I ask him to stop he will momentarily, but then he goes back to my nipples. Last week he asked if I had ever used a breast pump. I don’t have children and I’ve never been pregnant so his question baffled me. Then just the other day I could have sworn milk came out of his nipples. My girlfriend said it wasn’t possible and doesn’t believe me but I know what I saw. I am suspecting there’s something not right here. Do you think he could be a transgendered person? Maybe this would explain his obsession with breasts? His body and penis all look normal, but I can’t explain the liquid that came out of his nipples.

-Feeling Like A Boob

Dear FLAB,

While it might perhaps be possible he is transgendered, I highly doubt it. Men have mammary glands and are in fact capable of lactating. Some treatments to combat prostate cancer can cause this as well as hormonal stimulus. Even more rare but possible is male lactation through regular mammary massage and sucking of his nipples over a period of months. To me, it sounds the most likely explanation is that he is a Lactophiliac. He can’t steer clear of sucking your nipples, even when you ask him to stop. He wanted to know if you had ever used a breast pump, and he himself lactates! If this is something you’re into, you’ve struck gold. But if it’s not, run for the hills!

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Hi Ms. M.,

I just moved back to my hometown after five years so I’m crashing with my brother until I find a place. I will admit he is crazy and he’s always been a sexual deviant. Well, for the past three weekends we’ve gone out together and pulled some hotties. I’m the more attractive one so the girls usually go after me and then he somehow winds up tagging along. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t cross swords or anything, but we have been fucking some of the same chicks together. I know he’s not trying to do me or anything weird. I just have better game than him so he uses me to get in on the action instead of putting in the effort himself.

The problem is food. The first time it was whipped cream all over this girl’s nipples. That was funny enough. The next time though, he squirted ketchup all over this girl’s pussy and ate it out of her out while I was face fucking her. It was so gross and I could tell he was doing it on purpose just to fuck with me. Last weekend I was mackin’ on a girl I could tell was really into me. We were all retarded wasted and closed the bar down. We got to her place. She and I started making out and we eventually started fucking. While I was doing her from behind, he started smacking his cock in her face and eventually she blew him. I finished but he didn’t. Instead he walked over to her kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out a jar of pickle relish. He grabbed a wooden spoon and without even flinching, popped the handle end of the spoon through the relish lid without taking it off. Then he dumped pickle relish all over the spoon and started putting it in her butt and rubbing it on himself. I was amazed she let him but then she started signaling for me to come over there. I froze. It freaked me out. He left the spoon in her butt and smacked her ass a few times, and then he blew a load in her face. Yesterday I walked in the apartment with my friend and we caught him jerking off with cream of mushroom soup. The box was just sitting there on the counter half full. Like why couldn’t he wait to take it to his bedroom to do his business? I am totally freaked out about this. What is wrong with my brother? Does he need help? What should I do?

-H.J.

Dude, you need to get your own place STAT!! And stop getting “retarded wasted” with your broHAM on the weekends. Find other friends to accompany you all when you’re out together. That way, he’ll be less likely to try leeching on your game. If this continues, one of these days he’s going to use hot sauce or jalapenos or something painful, a girl will cry rape, and you’re both going to be in trouble. No good will come out of this situation.

It sounds like your brother has a good old-fashioned case of sitophilia, or a food fetish. Fetishes are all good so long as they’re safe and consensual. You’re absolutely right that he’s a deviant but not because he’s a sitophiliac. He’s a deviant because he enjoys playing with your mind and the minds of girls you meet; he clearly has no sense of boundaries. You can’t make someone go get help, especially for a fetish. It’s just his thaaaang! All you can do is hope he matures sexually and emotionally in a healthy way. Who knows, maybe your future sister-in-law will have the same fetish, or perhaps for his sake, be a chef! Either way, I’d advise you not to eat anything in his kitchen and keep an eye on him at Thanksgiving and family dinners. It sure does give a whole new meaning to giblet gravy.

There’s a wonderful little thing called boundaries, dear brother, and you need to set some PRONTO. Communicate clearly and affirmatively that you’re done sharing chicks with him. Tell him you’re doing him a favor by not including him in your hook-ups because now he’ll have to perfect his own game to get laid rather than relying on yours. You may also want to add, in a humorous way, that you don’t want to think about his dick every time you sit down to eat. Tell him to stop the bullsh*t while you’re around and have some respect. Then, like I said, get out of there and into your own digs. This is his fetish to work out or to own. Either way, it’s not your problem.

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