Tell Mom of Step-dad’s Homo-Affair? Mystery Bumps on Boyfriend’s Cock? Prostate Massage = Gay?

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Dear Ms. M,

I just started dating an uncircumcised guy.  The first time I was about to go down on him I pulled the skin back and there were all these little bumps lining the head of his cock.  They aren’t anywhere else, just around the edge of the head.  I finally got the courage to ask him about them and he swears its not an std and he’s had them since before he was sexually active.  I am only the second girl he’s been with but I am still scared, especially if it’s hpv.  I don’t know if I believe him or not but I don’t want to make him feel awkward by making a big deal about it again.  I have not gone down on him because it grosses me out.  Even though I am on birth control, we still use condoms.  Do you think it’s an std or could it be something else? 

Kat

Dear Kat,

Kudos for being a responsible sexually active female by using both condoms and birth control; another round of applause for having the courage to speak up and ask him about it.  Without testing or examining these bumps, it’s impossible to say with absolute certainty what they are.  However, it does sound like this could be a case of the triple Ps: pearly penile papules, or the more scientific names – hirsuties coronae glandis, hirsutoid papillomas, and hirsuties papillaris genitalis.  

Believe it or not, this is actually not a sexually transmitted disease – it is a very normal anatomical variation of the human body, more prevalent in uncircumcised younger men.  Often times it regresses with age and or circumcision.  Since he claims these bumps were there before he was sexually active, this would be the most likely explanation for them.  Do a google search to see what images you can find when you type the scientific names I listed and compare the pictures to what you see on your boyfriend’s cock.  If you’re still concerned, ask him to go with you to get a full STD testing together.  When you’re willing to undergo testing with him simultaneously, it will seem less like you’re worried about the bumps on his cock, and more like you want to do something responsible and beneficial for you both.  Remember, if these bumps are in fact the triple Ps, figure out a way to overcome the fact they gross you out.  Compassion is a key element to being a great girlfriend and a great lover.  You never know when you’ll need that same compassion shown to you one day.

xx,

Ms. M.

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Ms M,

The other day my new girlfriend was blowing me and then suddenly stuck her finger in my anus.  I was freaked out but she kept sucking me so good I let her do it.  It felt really amazing and I blew the hardest load that lasted longer than normal.  Does this mean I could be gay?  She wants to try a toy next but I’m scared to go any further. 

J

Dear J,

DO NOT FEAR: ENJOYING PROSTATE STIMULATION DOES NOT MEAN YOU’RE QUEER!  In fact, the sad reality is, many men are missing out on this spectacular intensely explosive orgasm simply because they’re scared to request it from their partner(s) or because they have let society’s constructs infiltrate their sexualities.  A real man thinks for himself. 

In addition to the extremely heightened pleasure you are now aware of from this experience, it’s important to also realize that if done correctly, prostate massage can also be very beneficial to your health.  Lucky for you, your partner is obviously well versed in male pleasure and knows how stimulating and wonderful this can feel.  What a great way for you to continue your sexual evolution!  Sure, try a toy – but when you’re ready.  Straight men from all stretches of the globe partake in this wonderful pleasurable act.  Does this mean you’re gay or bi simply because you enjoy it?  Absolutely not.

 -Ms. M.

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Dear Ms. M.,

Two days ago I learned my step-dad is cheating on my mother with a much younger man I go to university with.  I found this out from seeing the man’s facebook pictures even though I don’t know him personally (we have mutual friends) and reading the comments that eluded to the fact they are in a sexual relationship.  I asked a few of our mutual friends about it who also confirmed they see this man with my step-father often and one has seen them in a heavy make out session.  My mom and I are really close.  She has been through a lot in her life and I’m scared if I tell her, this will destroy her.  What now?

Henry

Dear Henry,

My heart goes out to you.  On one hand, you don’t want to see your mom devastated by learning her husband is having a homosexual affair.  On the other hand, you are likely irate that she is being disrespected by her husband’s disloyalty.  Regardless if the one he’s having the affair with is a man or woman – your mother’s health and safety is being put at risk.  If you do nothing, at worst you run the chance of your mom potentially contracting a sexually transmitted infection that could manifest into something life threatening.  Additionally, the longer her marriage is a farce, the worse the emotional pain will be when she learns the truth.  If she’s been through a lot in her life, she probably knows how to dance through the rain already.  She deserves to be with a man who is loyal, respectful, and adoring of her.  The longer she stays with and wastes time with someone who is not those things, the less time she’ll have to experience the bliss of true love in the healthy positive relationship she deserves. 

I say tell her – in person – so she’s not alone at the time of learning of the affair.  Make her lunch or dinner for just the two of you.  Begin by telling her you love and accept her unconditionally and her happiness and well-being is of the utmost importance to you.  Then show her the pictures on facebook, tell her of your inquiries to others on campus, and let her draw her own conclusions.  If she reacts negatively toward you, it is because she is in shock and possible denial after having learned of something so deceitful.  Stay calm and reassure her you love her and your intention by telling her is not to pain her but protect her.  Hopefully she will eventually come to appreciate your honesty so you can dance through this rainstorm together.  Keep me posted on her reaction to this, and I will try my best to help you both.

Love,

Ms. M.
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Love In A Dangerous Time

 

The Internal Clitoris

Consider this: In over five million years of human evolution, only one organ has come to exist for the sole purpose of providing pleasure—the clitoris. It is not required for reproduction. It doesn’t have a urethra running through it like the penis, and thus, does not urinate. Its sole function—its singular, wonderful purpose—is to make a woman feel good!

Sadly, it is precisely because the clitoris has no function apart from female pleasure that science has neglected to study it as intricately as the penis. In my last post I wrote about Princess Marie Boneparte and her revolutionary work on the female orgasm. There was however, one piece of pertinent information she was lacking that science had not yet discovered: the true size and scope of the clitoris.

Try asking the next person you encounter to tell you where the clitoris is located. Having posed this question to others many times myself, I’ll guess that the majority of answers you receive will sound something like, “It’s that small bulb at the top of my lips,” or, “That’s the button up under the hood.” Although these responses aren’t exactly wrong, the interesting truth is that the majority of the clitoris is actually within the pelvis—that is, it’s far more internal than external. Even most of the women I coach, women who are generally worldly and well-informed about their own bodies, react with a combination of fascination and confusion when I explain that their clitoris extends deep within them.

The scientific name for the external “little button” or “bulb” is glans. Not to be confused with glands, glans simply refers to a small circular mass. This little structure contains approximately 8,000 sensory nerve fibers; more than anywhere else in the human body and nearly twice the amount found on the head of a penis! From reading her work, it’s clear that Marie Bonepart mistakenly thought that the clitoris was completely comprised of the glans; and because it is super sensitive and all anyone can see of the organ, her confusion is mirrored by most women today. The fact is though, that most of the clitoris is subterranean, consisting of two corpora cavernosa (corpus cavernosum when referring to the structure as a whole), two crura (crus when referring to the structure as a whole), and the clitoral vestibules or bulbs.

The glans is connected to the body or shaft of the internal clitoris, which is made up of two corpora cavernosa. When erect, the corpora cavernosa encompass the vagina on either side, as if they were wrapping around it giving it a big hug!

Sketch of an erect clitoris

The corpus cavernosum also extends further, bifurcating again to form the two crura. These two legs extend up to 9cm, pointing toward the thighs when at rest, and stretching back toward the spine when erect. To picture them at rest, imagine the crura as a wishbone, coming together at the body of the clitoris where they attach to the pubic symphysis.

Near each of the crura on either side of the vaginal opening are the clitoral vestibules. These are internally under the labia majora. When they become engorged with blood they actually cuff the vaginal opening causing the vulva to expand outward. Get these puppies excited, and you’ve got a hungrier, tighter-feeling vaginal opening in which to explore!

What does all this mean? Well, for starters, we can finally end that age-old debate of vaginal vs. clitoral orgasms.

In 1953, Kinsey wrote: “The vagina walls are quite insensitive in the great majority of females … There is no evidence that the vagina is ever the sole source of arousal, or even the primary source of erotic arousal in any female.”

Then in 1970, Germaine Greer published The Female Eunuch, which scoffed at Kinsey’s theory. She wrote, “It is nonsense to say that a woman feels nothing when a man is moving his penis inside her vagina. The orgasm is qualitatively different when the vagina can undulate around the penis instead of a vacancy.”

Interestingly, they’re both right. The vagina is not the sole source of arousal, though to stimulate the inner clitoris you can greatly do so by manipulating, displacing, and exploring the vagina with a penis or other apparatus.

Sketch of an erect clitoris

Many women can bring themselves to orgasm without ever inserting anything inside of themselves. They are causing their internal clitoris to become erect and likely stimulating their glans, bulbs, and crura by rubbing themselves on the outside. The corpus cavernousum is the additional erectile tissue encompassing the vagina, and greatly erogenous when stimulated internally.

Let’s also remember, female orgasm is not solely about the clitoris and vagina either. It is far more complex and also involves the workings of multiple nerves, tissues, muscles, reflexes, and mental effort. Some women can think themselves to orgasm. Others can orgasm simply by flexing their pelvic muscles. Considering all the components involved plus the variability of human beings and their anatomies, it’s extremely important to remember no two people are the same. What works for one woman may not work for another. In other words, it’s all custom under the hood.

What really blows my mind is the plethora of misinformation that exists in textbooks, professional medical guides, and on the internet. Take for example, in one of my undergraduate textbooks titled Understanding Human Sexuality, the clitoris is depicted merely as just the glans. The sad fact is it wasn’t until the 1990’s that researchers began using MRI to study the internal structure of the clitoris. By then, the intricate details of the penis were already well known.

Urologist Helen O’Connell of the Royal Melbourne Hospital set out to better understand the microscopic nerve supply to the clitoris using MRI, something that had already been done for men with regard to their sexual function in the 1970s. In 1998 she published her findings, informing the medical world of the true scope and size of the clitoris. Yet ironically that same year, men in America began popping Viagra to cure erectile dysfunction.

Sketch of a clitoris at rest

In 2005 The American Urological Association published one of Dr. O’Connell’s reports on clitoral anatomy. The report itself even states, “The anatomy of the clitoris has not been stable with time as would be expected. To a major extent its study has been dominated by social factors … Some recent anatomy textbooks omit a description of the clitoris. By comparison, pages are devoted to penile anatomy.” The report also mentions how seemingly impossible it is to understand the internal structure of the clitoris with just one diagram. Several are required to truly get a comprehensive understanding of it.

Alas it wasn’t until as recent as 2009, French researchers Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès gave the medical world it’s first complete 3-D sonography of the stimulated clitoris. They did this work for three years without any proper funding. Thanks to them, we now understand how the erectile tissue of the clitoris engorges and surrounds the vagina—a complete breakthrough that explains how what we once considered to be a vaginal orgasm is actually an internal clitoral orgasm.

The internal erect clitoris

Dr. Foldès has been performing surgery on women who have suffered from clitoral mutilation, restoring pleasure to over 3,000 circumcised patients. He also gets passionate about the lack of study with regards to the clitoris:

“When I returned to France to treat genital mutilation, I was amazed that they were never tried. The medical literature tells us the truth about our contempt for women. For three centuries, there are thousands of references to penile surgery, nothing on the clitoris, except for some cancers or dermatology—and nothing to restore its sensitivity. The very existence of an organ of pleasure is denied, medically. Today, if you look at the anatomy books that all surgeons have, you will find two pages above. There is a real intellectual excision.

The internal erect clitoris

So there you have it. As if all the repression, cultural influences, guilt, childhood imprints, and fear of being our true selves center stage in society weren’t enough, we also have the politics of medicine keeping us in the dark. The great news is that researchers like Dr. Buisson, Dr. Foldès, and Dr. O’Connell are paving the way for greater knowledge … and greater pleasure!

Hope springs … internal!

Now for something a little less serious and more fun! Here is a video of artist and sex educator, Betty Dodson, drawing the internal clitoris.  Note: the glans are accidentally labeled “glands” in the video, but remember the proper term is glans!! Enjoy!

-Ms. M

 

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The Rule of Thumb: Vagina Types and Variability of Female Orgasm

In 1924 a revolutionary research paper on the female orgasm was published in Europe under the pen name A. E. Narjani.  But as it turns out, the real author was actually Princess Marie Bonaparte, great-grandniece of Emperor Napoleon I of France and daughter of Prince Roland Bonaparte.  After she married Prince George of Greece and Denmark in 1907, her official title became Her Royal Highness, Princess George of Greece and Denmark.

Sadly, the Princess suffered from what many women today still do – the inability to reach orgasm solely through vaginal intercourse.  Defying the social mores of her era, she discovered she could reach orgasm through masturbation.  While this led her to blame physiology and not psyche, it still left her deeply frustrated with her husband and eventual four other lovers.  But the Princess refused to accept such fate as a permanent condition!  Instead, she began some of the most revolutionary work of her time on female sexuality and anatomy while also embarking on her quest for orgasm by penetrative sex.

She first examined and interviewed 243 women.  One by one she measured the distance between their clitorises and the vaginas, then compared the distance to their frequency and ease of orgasm.  What she discovered was a direct correlation between the ability to orgasm through vaginal sex and the measurement of space between the vagina and the clitoris.  She categorized the findings from her subjects in three ways: paraclitoridiennes (para meaning “alongside”), mesoclitoriennes (meso meaning “in the middle”), and téléclitoridiennes (télé meaning “far”).

Paraclitoridiennes were the fortunate ones.  The space between their vaginas and clitorises measured less than one inch.  For the 69% of her test subjects that fell into this category, vaginal orgasm was easier than ever to reach.  However, similar studies conducted in modern times prove this statistic extremely high.

Mesoclitoriennes had a space between their vagina and clitoris that measured exactly one inch.  Only a mere 10% of women in her study fell into this category.  These women did not have it as easy as the paraclitoridiennes but they could eventually reach orgasm with enough practice and position variation.

Téléclitoridiennes had clitorises located farther than one inch from their vaginas.  This was the group in which the Princess belonged, along with 21% of her test subjects.  They had the most difficulty reaching orgasm solely by penetrative sex – if ever at all.

The evidence of such anatomical nuances in relation to the ease and ability of vaginal orgasm persuaded the Princess to try something extreme.  In 1927 she sought out Viennese doctor Josef Halban to surgically detach her clitoris and reattach it closer to her vagina.  Inspired by Marie, two other women would undergo the same operation.  The results were published under what was called the Halban-Narjani Operation, complete with before and after photos.  While the surgery did not work for Marie, the two other women deemed it a success, leading Marie to attempt the operation yet a second time.  Much to her disappointment, the second operation proved to be no better for the Princess than the first.

Since Marie’s research, consistent findings in numerous similar studies have led to the development of the Rule of Thumb.  Evolutionary biologist and professor at Indiana University, Elisabeth Loyd, describes the Rule of Thumb based on the length between the tip of your thumb and it’s first joint – if the space between the clit and vagina is shorter than this length, vaginal orgasm is easier; if the space between the clit and vagina is longer than this length, chances are penetrative sex alone won’t do the trick.

Emory University professor of psychology and behavioral neuroendocrinology, Dr. Kim Wallen has also re-created the Princess’s research, supporting the prevailing theory of the Rule of Thumb.  However, he says women with a large distance between their clitorises and vaginas should not be discouraged.  “Personally, I don’t think the inability to experience no-hands, penis-only intercourse with orgasm says anything about a happy sex life,” he says. “Maybe it could allow couples to be a bit more inventive in how they have sex.”

The good news?  Princess Marie the téléclitoridienne finally did get her happy ending later in life!  Thanks to her own determination and creativity, she discovered sitting on her partner face to face enabled the best chance for vaginal orgasm.

So for all you teleclitoridiennes out there: don’t give up hope.  Check out the MoSex bookstore, pick up a book on sexual positions, and get to experimenting!

Thumbs up!

-Ms. M

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