Like My Hand Did

First and foremost, I hope everyone reading in the US had a Happy Thanksgiving and gobbled up a lot more than just turkey! I know I sure did, and I was thankful to be gobbled up too. I am also thankful to have a phenomenal sex life with my younger supermodel boyfriend.

But some people aren’t so lucky.

Take Raquel Gonzalez, for example. On Monday, she was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery and hauled off to the Manatee County jail. According to the police report, she was engaging in sex with her live-in boyfriend, Esric Davis, at their home in Bradenton, Florida, when Mr. Davis climaxed before she had a chance to. Ahh the injustice! He got his big bang of pleasure, but didn’t care whether or not she got hers. Rather than masturbating to finish herself off—like many modern reasonable women are forced to do—she took the violent route and attacked Davis, hitting him and scratching his face all to hell. I guess his mother never taught him, ladies first.

Recently, I received the below email to my advice column:

Ms. M.,

What is up with the guys that ask, immediately after they cum: “Did you cum?”
This has happened a few times over the years with different partners. I never have known what to say. This last time, I lied and said yes. I felt that he knew I lied. It’s not that the sex was bad, either; it was a pretty hot and satisfying quickie in the back of a car while we were at a wedding party. No, I didn’t explode, but it wasn’t bad sex either.
I am just wondering what compels a guy to ask this and what the appropriate answer is (if I clearly did not squirt or shake or scream).

-Backseat Bridesmaid

Well, BB, I’m glad you didn’t become enraged from blue ovaries and land yourself in jail like Gonzalez. Let’s take a moment to look at the big picture.

In the grand scheme of things, women are just now overcoming thousands of years of being raped, owned, sold, and treated like property. And in some countries, this antiquated mentality and treatment of women still exists. The fact men in the modern world are just now getting a clue to the idea that, if they can bring us great undying pleasure, we’ll gladly and voluntarily do the same in return and with more frequency, is progress. The fact he cared whether or not you came is progress.

Side note to guys who ask this question: if you can’t tell she just had an orgasm, if you don’t feel the contractions happening in her vagina around your cock, then no, she didn’t just cum.

I hope men ask, “Did you cum?” because they genuinely want us to experience the same pleasure they get from orgasm during sex. But the reality is there are an infinite number of reasons why he would ask such a question, those reasons being as varied and complex as the human experience itself.

It’s possible, after a random hook-up, your orgasm is crucial; otherwise he might be left feeling like he owes you something more—like a relationship. Maybe your pleasure was an afterthought of his climax simply because he was so caught up in his own climactic moment. Perhaps at times, a man only pretends to care whether or not you came, because seeming to care about your pleasure might ensure a second round of sex with him in the future. Besides, no modern intelligent man wants a reputation as a bad selfish lover, or as in Esric Davis’s case—a one-minute man.

The artist Trina doesn’t hesitate to speak her truth in the song One Minute Man.

“One minute, two minutes, three minutes – hell no to please me you gotta sleep in it.”

But most women don’t speak the truth so blatantly for many reasons. They won’t tell you that you’re an awful lover or that your penis is too small or you ejaculate too soon. Likewise, most (smart) guys won’t admit you look fat in that dress or inquire about your stretch marks or comment on your weight. The human ego is a fragile thing; fracturing it only breeds insecurity, which is a toxic element in any type of relationship—from friendship to marriage, or even a mere moment during a hook-up.

Hopefully the purpose of sex for both parties is to feel good. And feeling good doesn’t necessarily have to equate to orgasm every single time. Sex is about feeling connected to and with another human being on a variety of levels. It’s a deep sense of empathy, fun, adventure, power, and letting go. As BB’s email suggests, just because there was no orgasm from penetrative sex, she still found the experience to be hot and satisfying.

As far as whether or not to lie, I wish more women would stop faking it and be honest about whether or not they orgasm. Guys who can’t last long enough to bring her to orgasm (especially those one to five minute men) need to do some serious holding off exercises. You don’t run a marathon without training and working out first, and you won’t become a long-lasting great lover without some training either. Women who can’t orgasm from masturbating need to learn how to before expecting a man to magically give it to them. Ladies, you won’t have orgasms during sex until you first know how to give one to yourself. If you’re not well versed with your own body, how can you expect someone else to be? Overall, both sexes could use some shaping up in the bedroom.

I will say this, woman to woman: Do your fellow sisters a favor and be honest with your men, whether they’re boyfriends or random hook-ups. It will improve your own sex life, communication skills, and confidence. Then if you do split up, your honesty will hopefully serve as a catalyst for him to step his game up with the next girl. The guys who are lousy lovers are lousy because women have let them get away with it. As women, we must teach and show them how to be better lovers—God knows their mamas won’t! I don’t suggest the violent route that Gonzalez took, but rather simple, honest, and humorous communication. Sometimes that communication can even be body language like moving his hand from one place to another or changing positions. Communicate with finesse, delicately but assertively. Remember, you are in charge. You have the supply of what is in demand; do not be afraid to explore and articulate what you need.

Sex is natural. It’s like farting—everybody does it, even if in shame, pain, pleasure, or one big hot release. But if women had the courage to communicate, then quite possibly we would see progress and sexual evolution happening at a much greater pace.

Here are some phrases to try:

“I need you to get me off with your mouth first before you go inside of me.”

“No, I didn’t orgasm but I really loved watching you lose control.”

“Practice makes perfect, so let me know when you’re ready to practice some more!”

Or try a reward system, so long as the reward is something with which you’re comfortable.

“If you can hold off until I cum, I’ll let you finish on my face … tits … go in the backdoor.”

Now, to sign off with another frustrated but funny female, the artist Boyfriend, annoyed because he didn’t make her cum like her hand did.

 

Be sure to follow Ms. M. on Facebook and Twitter for more funny pictures, music videos, advice, and posts. Have a question or comment? Email: AdviceFromMsM@gmail.com

 

 

TENGA x Keith Haring

Boy toys have never been this cool.

We’ve always been fans of Japan-based TENGA’s art-centric male pleasure items (a.k.a masturbation sleeves) and we’re thrilled to announce their collaboration with The Keith Haring Foundation! TENGA is proud to be the first brand in this category to bring forward a collaboration with such a recognized and celebrated artist. They’ve selected five of Haring’s iconic artworks for integration into the packaging and design of their CUP and EGG series.

The TENGA CUPS ($10) are the first in TENGA’s arsenal of revolutionary male pleasure items. Pre-lubricated for ease of use, these devices can be enjoyed by simply opening the sealed cap at the bottom. With 40 complex internal textures and malleable sides, you can easily achieve an optimal sensation.

The TENGA EGGS ($8) are without a doubt one of the most discreet pleasure products for men on the market. These egg-shaped masturbation sleeves offer several unique internal textures and a super-stretchy elastomeric gel that can cover any size. It also functions as a sleeve for any standard vibe, dildo or wand, just flip it inside out.

TENGA x Keith Haring is now available for purchase exclusively at the Museum in-store and online. Guys, the future of masturbation is really here.

The folks at Animal New York tested out the egg series already. Find out what they thought: Yes, We Tested The New Keith Haring Sex Toys

Also, make sure to check out our previous post on TENGA 3D: The Future Of Masturbation Is Here!

About Keith Haring
Keith Haring was an artist and social activist who frequently used his art to speak out about social issues. He was one of the best known among the young visual artists, filmmakers, performers, and musicians whose work responded to the urban street culture of the 80s. Openly gay, Haring was diagnosed with AIDS in 1988, and in 1989 he established The Keith Haring Foundation, whose mission it is to support not-for-profit organizations that assist children, as well as organizations involved in education, research and care related to HIV and AIDS, as well as to sustain, expand, and protect the legacy of Keith Haring, his art, and his ideals.

About TENGA
TENGA Co., Ltd. was founded on the concept of bringing sex and sexuality to the forefront, for all to enjoy. On the 7th of July 2005, the “male pleasure item” brand TENGA was first released; a line of safe, functional, well-designed and above all enjoyable male pleasure items – products used for male masturbation. The revolutionary products did away with the obscene imagery and lewd products of the past, with pioneering design and technology creating products of functionality never seen before in the industry.

Their TENGA CUP, EGG, FLIP and the award-winning TENGA 3D serve to bring sexual health and wellness to the forefront, eradicating obscenity and taboos with function, style, and hygiene. Their TENGA 3D Series designed and produced by TENGA was awarded the “Red Dot Award: Product Design 2012” by the Design Zentrum Nordrhein Westfalen in Germany, and was the first ever male masturbation aid to win the prestigious design award.

For further information, please visit their official global site: tenga-global.com.

Orgasm: It’s All In Your Head

It’s often said the brain is the biggest sexual organ—and every time it happens, I know it’s hard to suppress a groan. It just sounds so trite. So damn cliché! Yet, here’s a prime example of a line being cliché for good reason. The brain is critical to the act of climax, as anyone too distracted by what happened at work earlier that day (or unwanted mental images of your naked mother) can attest. The brain plays a huge role in orgasm—surely as much as any quivering nether regions. And new research in the field of neuroscience suggests that our upstairs may be even more critical to the big O than the downstairs.

Here’s why: we can climax even when genital stimulation is absent. That’s right, we can orgasm without a single physical touch. All thanks to our brains.

Chances are, you’ve experienced this phenomenon in one form or another. Those wet dreams from your adolescent days. Crazy, hot sex dreams that feel oh-so-real in the middle of the night. Those dream orgasms are not reflex—rather, those orgasms are the product of our brain at work without physical stimulation. Orgasm can also be the byproduct of a seizure, brain damage or direct brain stimulation. And individuals who have severe spinal cord injuries are also capable of orgasm despite the fact that they can’t feel anything below the waist.

As you can see, the penis, clitoris and vagina are nice accessories to have when trying to reach la petite mort. They certainly help make things feel good. They just aren’t strictly necessary.

There are even some lucky individuals who are able to “think off” – simply sit back, relax and think themselves into an orgasm. I have one such lucky friend. A straitlaced corporate attorney, she tells me that she often “thinks off” to get through long, boring conference calls. She simply uses her noggin, setting off a series of top-down processes in the brain, that result in the big O with no one being the wiser. (She admits that she makes sure the phone is on mute when she participates in these acts of orgasmic rebellion—just in case she gets carried away). And neuroimaging studies that track and record brain activity during these “think off” sessions demonstrate that they light up the same brain areas as orgasms reached through more traditional avenues.

It’s entirely possible that all of us have this ability to “think off.” We simply never learned how to harness those top-down processes. Which is one of the reasons that researchers like Barry Komisaruk, Beverly Whipple and Nan Wise are studying just what happens in the brain during an orgasm using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). And why I volunteered my own brain (and orgasm) to help them do it.

Last year, as part of my research for DIRTY MINDS: HOW OUR BRAINS INFLUENCE LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS, I donned
two hospital johnnies and self-stimulated to orgasm (twice, if we’re being exact) while scientists tracked what was happening in my brain. When the data from my brain was summed with the data from about a dozen other women, scientists discovered that orgasm has a distinct brain signature—and time course.

Kayt's brain scan during orgasm


So where does the orgasm begin, continue and end? As I explored Ladytown, so to speak, my genital sensory cortex, motor areas, hypothalamus (an area involved in arousal), thalamus and substantia nigra (a pleasure center in the brain) were activated. So my brain took notice of my fingers doing the walking, integrated my physical activity and my internal fantasies, allowing the pleasure of it all to build up.

Once I reached the point of orgasm, my frontal cortex came online—as well as brain areas involved in memory, emotion and the integration of sensory information. As I rode the wave of that orgasm on through to the end, my hypothalamus turned back on, as well as brain areas that flooded me with dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is known as the “pleasure chemical,” for that final physical rush.

When I saw the image of my brain at orgasm, I was astonished. Despite often feeling like my brain completely dematerializes when I “arrive,” the neuroimaging results demonstrate that it really is a whole-brain kind of experience—with over 30 discrete areas activated.

Anyone who has ever had an orgasm can tell you that it is an intense, intense experience. And getting to the big O involves a variety of cognitive, emotional and sensory components—even when you’re getting there on your own. And a better understanding of these components, and how the brain manages to integrate them, may offer us better understanding of not only sexual pleasure but also of human consciousness as well.

—-

Blog post contributed by Kayt Sukel
Kayt will be speaking at the Museum on February 16 about her recent book, DIRTY MINDS: HOW OUR BRAINS INFLUENCE LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS, an exploration of the neurobiology of love (Free Press, January 2012). She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors (ASJA), the Author’s Guild and the National Association of Science Writers (NASW). You can often find her oversharing on Twitter as @kaytsukel.

Tips for a Happy & Healthy Sex Life in 2012

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MASTURBATE.  Practice makes perfect.  Learn to play and control your own instrument before you duet, or partake in any other number ensemble for that matter.  When you masturbate, explore your deepest fantasies saying aloud whatever comes to mind.  This will help you evolve in your own sexual self-awareness and also help you become more comfortable with yourself.  If you use porn to masturbate regularly, try masturbating without porn as a mental exercise.  You’ll be surprised where your imagination can take you.

Ladies: if you haven’t figured out how to achieve orgasm through masturbation, the likelihood is you won’t be able to with your partner either.  Take as much time as you need to tease and drive yourself crazy before attempting to go for gold.  Keep trying, keep practicing, you WILL get there.  Besides, masturbation also burns calories, reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and calms aggression – which leads us to the next pointer …

DE-STRESS.  When you’re relaxed, you’re more aware of your sexual energy and feel freer to respond sexually.  Multiple studies over the past several years cite stress as the number one sex drive killer.  Yet ironically, if you would just do it, sex actually decreases stress and releases endorphins that relax you.  There are a plethora of stress-reducing activities that may work better for you than others.  Some include yoga, exercise, meditation, masturbation, prayer, singing, painting, shopping, dancing, volunteering, writing, reading, wine, a spa day, or anything that utilizes creative energy.  Whatever method(s) suits you best, prioritize time in your day to de-stress.  Then when the moment comes, you’ll be ready to reap the benefit of even more relaxation that occurs naturally – after sex.

EXPAND YOUR DEFINITION OF SEX.  It doesn’t have to be all about intercourse, nor should it be.  BOR-ING!  Oral sex, mutual masturbation sessions, holding and caressing each other, toys, erotic massage, and even a good make out sesh are all ways of exploring passionate and sexual feelings.

CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE.  After all, variety is the spice of life.  Sexuality can and should evolve just like all other aspects of your life. If you usually have sex in the evening, go for a nooner or have it in the morning.  Grab a book from the MoSex bookstore and try out some new positions.  Get physical somewhere new and different.  If you’re not brave enough to try it in public, at least leave the bedroom; try the kitchen, under or atop the dining room table, on the stairs, the backyard, or anywhere else that could be fun and different.  If you enjoy an occasional thrill, meet your lover for lunch then sneak away for some naughty fun in the bathroom of the restaurant – just don’t get caught!

DROP THE S-EXPECTATIONS.  Media and porn can exaggerate our ideas and expectations of sex.  Instead of focusing on meeting a goal, focus on having fun.  Don’t compare your body or your sexuality to others; every one is different in their own beautiful way and every one enjoys different aspects of sex.  We are ever evolving creatures, and so should be our sexualities.  Seek to love and appreciate these differences in your partner(s) as you evolve both individually and as lovers.  Stop being so hard on yourself (no pun intended).  Learn to accept and appreciate all aspects of your body, even those that might make you uncomfortable.  We’re not all porn stars, we’re not all models, and no one is perfect – especially not in the bedroom.  Most importantly, remember – sex is about the journey, not the destination.

SENSE OF HUMOR.  Queefs happen.  Gas happens.  Blood happens.  Loss of erection happens.  Shit happens.  No, seriously!!!!  If you’ve been lucky enough never to have experienced something surprising or downright embarrassing during sex, then maybe you just aren’t having enough sex.  Don’t let these little moments bother you.  Make a joke about it, stay humble obviously, but laugh it off!!  Besides, giggling and laughter are great building blocks for intimacy.  Life is just too short to get hung up on the stuff that happens to ALL of us at one point or another.

TALK.  Talk about sex with your friends, family, therapist, life coach, or whomever you feel secure discussing it with; you’ll never become more comfortable with yourself nor the subject matter if you cannot openly discuss it with someone else.   It certainly helps if that someone has a great sense of humor.  I know this first hand because I have a multitude of clients – men and women, gay, bi, and straight – who utilize me just for that purpose.  The more comfortable you are with discussing it, the more comfortable you will become with yourself, and therefore, the more you are able to evolve in your own sexual self-awareness.

TAKE ACTION.  Action precedes motivation.  If you wait around until you’re in the mood to work out, chances are, you won’t.  But if you just get off your bum and do it even when you don’t feel like it, your endorphins get pumping and you feel twice as good than when you were being a couch potato.  The same rings true for sex: Action precedes desire.  If you wait around until you’re in the mood, your sex life will suffer.  Try reading a dirty novel, watching an erotic movie, or simply caressing yourself or your lover – even if you’re not exactly in the mood.  You’ll be surprised at how quickly that switch can turn on if you simply take action.  Once you’re back in the practice of regular sex, you’ll be amazed at how naturally your sex drive will increase.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a one-night stand or your lover of many years: if they’re doing something you don’t like or something you really like, let them know.  Just do it in a loving and gentle manner.  Try body language at first if you’re worried about hurting someone’s ego.  For example, if your partner is rubbing something that starts to feel more aggravating than pleasurable, try moving his or her fingers from one part of your body to another.  Hopefully he or she will pick up on the cues, but if that fails, SPEAK UP.  Do not be afraid to tell your lover to stop doing something you don’t like; likewise, don’t be afraid to ask your lover to keep doing something you do like.  Human beings are not mind readers.  There is NO reason to put yourself through anything you don’t enjoy.

ATTITUDE.  Regardless of all else mentioned here, a great attitude toward yourself, sex, and your partner is by far the number one most important characteristic of ensuring a positive, fun, healthy sex life.  There is nothing sexier than being with a person who enjoys sex for the wonderful journey it is.  If you allow your insecurities, cultural constructs, or others’ views, definitions, and expectations of you or your sexuality negatively seep into your psyche, it will sour your attitude and devolve your sex life. If you embrace sex with a fearless excitement and appreciation of it and your partner(s), you will have a great sex life and sexual evolution.

Cheers to a happy and healthy sexual evolution in 2012!!!

-Ms. M

Have a question of comment for me? Email: AdviceFromMsM@gmail.com

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