The ABC’s of Kinky Sex

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When I was in high school, my gay best friend (GBF) moved in with me because he was kicked out of his house when he came out of the closet. Side note: Friends coined me the “Harriet Tubman of Homos,” because I’ve been bringin’ ’em out since way back then. But the reality is, I’ve always loved and accepted people, regardless of sexuality – which sadly, is more than some parents can say.

The first night my GBF settled in at my pad, we decided to drive from our suburb into Atlanta to see a drag show at the Armory. As soon as we sat down with our vodka tonics, GBF looked up to see a familiar face walk through the door. Nearly spitting his drink out while simultaneously squealing with laughter, he finally explained the familiar face was the priest who had confirmed him several years prior. His Holiness was wearing a rainbow flag t-shirt, and proudly holding the hand of a man wearing a yamaka.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a gay bar … for real.

The show opened with a Lords of Acid song called Pussy, performed by a pathetic excuse of a drag queen I later nicknamed Shanita Quit. As the next song began (the one featured below), the next Honey Boo Boo-esque queen on deck approached me, grabbed my head, and forced it on her crotch to mime a blow job. I’m positive she was cursing me backstage after her performance because she smeared my make-up all over her black leotard in the process. I guess you could say I learned my ABC’s of Kinky Sex in high school.

I hope you enjoy this kinky cartoon video montage.

 

Oh how happy you will be once I teach you my ABC

A is for asphyxiation you won’t catch your breath
B is for the blindfold that keeps you dark as death
C is for your cockroach that I squash beneath my shoe, while I watch you wiggle and laugh at you
D is for my dildo that you will learn to blow
E is for your enema, I control the flow
F is for my flogger, I whip you so violent
G is for the gag in place to keep your screaming silent
H is for humiliation that you must bear
I will immobilize you in my sexual lair
J is for your jizzy, jerking tendency
K for kisses
L for love, and licks you offer me
M is for the manacles imprisoned in your feet
N is for your nelly little nimby so sweet
O is for the O-rings holding you in place
P is for the perspiration dripping down your face
Q is for the quirt I use to whip your eager ass
R is for restraints to make the magic last
S is for sweet suffering that only you will know
T is for the torment that keeps you on the go
U is for unbridled lust that only I control, as I claim for my own your body, mind and soul
V is for the vicious urge to struggle in vain, while I tease and tantalize you and eroticize your pain
W is where the wily woman walks
X is for excruciating X rated talk
Y is you’re the yo yo I yank upon your string, watch you yell and holler with all the pleasure that it brings
Z is for the zestfulness with which you will submit,

Now I’ve taught you every letter so remember all of it!

Twinkle twinkle little slut, now I spank your naughty butt
Once I’ve warmed it you will cry, and I’ll wipe your teary eye
Don’t forget the lessons learned or your rumpsticks will be burned.

A-B-C you and me
K-I-N-K spells S-E-X
ABC’s of S-E-X
F-U-N spells K-I-N-K

Ba ba black sheep in my school,
You’ll be shorn of all your wool.
A lesson in submission another in pain,
After graduation things will never be the same.
You’ll become my grumbling fool,
Drowning in a puddle of your own drool.

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A Big Schlong, Baby!!!!!

For my bois, because I love you like a BIG SCHLONG BABY … and who doesn’t like a skeet skeet skeet disco beat?!

 

And in case you non-bois missed seeing this gem in the last Friends With Benefits newsletter, here is Australian rapper Iggy Azalea gettin’ it with PU$$Y.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2GCga7YLCU

 

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3=====D

 

Tell Mom of Step-dad’s Homo-Affair? Mystery Bumps on Boyfriend’s Cock? Prostate Massage = Gay?

Have a question for Ms. M.?  Write her here: AdviceFromMsM@gmail.com

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Dear Ms. M,

I just started dating an uncircumcised guy.  The first time I was about to go down on him I pulled the skin back and there were all these little bumps lining the head of his cock.  They aren’t anywhere else, just around the edge of the head.  I finally got the courage to ask him about them and he swears its not an std and he’s had them since before he was sexually active.  I am only the second girl he’s been with but I am still scared, especially if it’s hpv.  I don’t know if I believe him or not but I don’t want to make him feel awkward by making a big deal about it again.  I have not gone down on him because it grosses me out.  Even though I am on birth control, we still use condoms.  Do you think it’s an std or could it be something else? 

Kat

Dear Kat,

Kudos for being a responsible sexually active female by using both condoms and birth control; another round of applause for having the courage to speak up and ask him about it.  Without testing or examining these bumps, it’s impossible to say with absolute certainty what they are.  However, it does sound like this could be a case of the triple Ps: pearly penile papules, or the more scientific names – hirsuties coronae glandis, hirsutoid papillomas, and hirsuties papillaris genitalis.  

Believe it or not, this is actually not a sexually transmitted disease – it is a very normal anatomical variation of the human body, more prevalent in uncircumcised younger men.  Often times it regresses with age and or circumcision.  Since he claims these bumps were there before he was sexually active, this would be the most likely explanation for them.  Do a google search to see what images you can find when you type the scientific names I listed and compare the pictures to what you see on your boyfriend’s cock.  If you’re still concerned, ask him to go with you to get a full STD testing together.  When you’re willing to undergo testing with him simultaneously, it will seem less like you’re worried about the bumps on his cock, and more like you want to do something responsible and beneficial for you both.  Remember, if these bumps are in fact the triple Ps, figure out a way to overcome the fact they gross you out.  Compassion is a key element to being a great girlfriend and a great lover.  You never know when you’ll need that same compassion shown to you one day.

xx,

Ms. M.

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Ms M,

The other day my new girlfriend was blowing me and then suddenly stuck her finger in my anus.  I was freaked out but she kept sucking me so good I let her do it.  It felt really amazing and I blew the hardest load that lasted longer than normal.  Does this mean I could be gay?  She wants to try a toy next but I’m scared to go any further. 

J

Dear J,

DO NOT FEAR: ENJOYING PROSTATE STIMULATION DOES NOT MEAN YOU’RE QUEER!  In fact, the sad reality is, many men are missing out on this spectacular intensely explosive orgasm simply because they’re scared to request it from their partner(s) or because they have let society’s constructs infiltrate their sexualities.  A real man thinks for himself. 

In addition to the extremely heightened pleasure you are now aware of from this experience, it’s important to also realize that if done correctly, prostate massage can also be very beneficial to your health.  Lucky for you, your partner is obviously well versed in male pleasure and knows how stimulating and wonderful this can feel.  What a great way for you to continue your sexual evolution!  Sure, try a toy – but when you’re ready.  Straight men from all stretches of the globe partake in this wonderful pleasurable act.  Does this mean you’re gay or bi simply because you enjoy it?  Absolutely not.

 -Ms. M.

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Dear Ms. M.,

Two days ago I learned my step-dad is cheating on my mother with a much younger man I go to university with.  I found this out from seeing the man’s facebook pictures even though I don’t know him personally (we have mutual friends) and reading the comments that eluded to the fact they are in a sexual relationship.  I asked a few of our mutual friends about it who also confirmed they see this man with my step-father often and one has seen them in a heavy make out session.  My mom and I are really close.  She has been through a lot in her life and I’m scared if I tell her, this will destroy her.  What now?

Henry

Dear Henry,

My heart goes out to you.  On one hand, you don’t want to see your mom devastated by learning her husband is having a homosexual affair.  On the other hand, you are likely irate that she is being disrespected by her husband’s disloyalty.  Regardless if the one he’s having the affair with is a man or woman – your mother’s health and safety is being put at risk.  If you do nothing, at worst you run the chance of your mom potentially contracting a sexually transmitted infection that could manifest into something life threatening.  Additionally, the longer her marriage is a farce, the worse the emotional pain will be when she learns the truth.  If she’s been through a lot in her life, she probably knows how to dance through the rain already.  She deserves to be with a man who is loyal, respectful, and adoring of her.  The longer she stays with and wastes time with someone who is not those things, the less time she’ll have to experience the bliss of true love in the healthy positive relationship she deserves. 

I say tell her – in person – so she’s not alone at the time of learning of the affair.  Make her lunch or dinner for just the two of you.  Begin by telling her you love and accept her unconditionally and her happiness and well-being is of the utmost importance to you.  Then show her the pictures on facebook, tell her of your inquiries to others on campus, and let her draw her own conclusions.  If she reacts negatively toward you, it is because she is in shock and possible denial after having learned of something so deceitful.  Stay calm and reassure her you love her and your intention by telling her is not to pain her but protect her.  Hopefully she will eventually come to appreciate your honesty so you can dance through this rainstorm together.  Keep me posted on her reaction to this, and I will try my best to help you both.

Love,

Ms. M.
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Love In A Dangerous Time