Like My Hand Did

First and foremost, I hope everyone reading in the US had a Happy Thanksgiving and gobbled up a lot more than just turkey! I know I sure did, and I was thankful to be gobbled up too. I am also thankful to have a phenomenal sex life with my younger supermodel boyfriend.

But some people aren’t so lucky.

Take Raquel Gonzalez, for example. On Monday, she was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery and hauled off to the Manatee County jail. According to the police report, she was engaging in sex with her live-in boyfriend, Esric Davis, at their home in Bradenton, Florida, when Mr. Davis climaxed before she had a chance to. Ahh the injustice! He got his big bang of pleasure, but didn’t care whether or not she got hers. Rather than masturbating to finish herself off—like many modern reasonable women are forced to do—she took the violent route and attacked Davis, hitting him and scratching his face all to hell. I guess his mother never taught him, ladies first.

Recently, I received the below email to my advice column:

Ms. M.,

What is up with the guys that ask, immediately after they cum: “Did you cum?”
This has happened a few times over the years with different partners. I never have known what to say. This last time, I lied and said yes. I felt that he knew I lied. It’s not that the sex was bad, either; it was a pretty hot and satisfying quickie in the back of a car while we were at a wedding party. No, I didn’t explode, but it wasn’t bad sex either.
I am just wondering what compels a guy to ask this and what the appropriate answer is (if I clearly did not squirt or shake or scream).

-Backseat Bridesmaid

Well, BB, I’m glad you didn’t become enraged from blue ovaries and land yourself in jail like Gonzalez. Let’s take a moment to look at the big picture.

In the grand scheme of things, women are just now overcoming thousands of years of being raped, owned, sold, and treated like property. And in some countries, this antiquated mentality and treatment of women still exists. The fact men in the modern world are just now getting a clue to the idea that, if they can bring us great undying pleasure, we’ll gladly and voluntarily do the same in return and with more frequency, is progress. The fact he cared whether or not you came is progress.

Side note to guys who ask this question: if you can’t tell she just had an orgasm, if you don’t feel the contractions happening in her vagina around your cock, then no, she didn’t just cum.

I hope men ask, “Did you cum?” because they genuinely want us to experience the same pleasure they get from orgasm during sex. But the reality is there are an infinite number of reasons why he would ask such a question, those reasons being as varied and complex as the human experience itself.

It’s possible, after a random hook-up, your orgasm is crucial; otherwise he might be left feeling like he owes you something more—like a relationship. Maybe your pleasure was an afterthought of his climax simply because he was so caught up in his own climactic moment. Perhaps at times, a man only pretends to care whether or not you came, because seeming to care about your pleasure might ensure a second round of sex with him in the future. Besides, no modern intelligent man wants a reputation as a bad selfish lover, or as in Esric Davis’s case—a one-minute man.

The artist Trina doesn’t hesitate to speak her truth in the song One Minute Man.

“One minute, two minutes, three minutes – hell no to please me you gotta sleep in it.”

But most women don’t speak the truth so blatantly for many reasons. They won’t tell you that you’re an awful lover or that your penis is too small or you ejaculate too soon. Likewise, most (smart) guys won’t admit you look fat in that dress or inquire about your stretch marks or comment on your weight. The human ego is a fragile thing; fracturing it only breeds insecurity, which is a toxic element in any type of relationship—from friendship to marriage, or even a mere moment during a hook-up.

Hopefully the purpose of sex for both parties is to feel good. And feeling good doesn’t necessarily have to equate to orgasm every single time. Sex is about feeling connected to and with another human being on a variety of levels. It’s a deep sense of empathy, fun, adventure, power, and letting go. As BB’s email suggests, just because there was no orgasm from penetrative sex, she still found the experience to be hot and satisfying.

As far as whether or not to lie, I wish more women would stop faking it and be honest about whether or not they orgasm. Guys who can’t last long enough to bring her to orgasm (especially those one to five minute men) need to do some serious holding off exercises. You don’t run a marathon without training and working out first, and you won’t become a long-lasting great lover without some training either. Women who can’t orgasm from masturbating need to learn how to before expecting a man to magically give it to them. Ladies, you won’t have orgasms during sex until you first know how to give one to yourself. If you’re not well versed with your own body, how can you expect someone else to be? Overall, both sexes could use some shaping up in the bedroom.

I will say this, woman to woman: Do your fellow sisters a favor and be honest with your men, whether they’re boyfriends or random hook-ups. It will improve your own sex life, communication skills, and confidence. Then if you do split up, your honesty will hopefully serve as a catalyst for him to step his game up with the next girl. The guys who are lousy lovers are lousy because women have let them get away with it. As women, we must teach and show them how to be better lovers—God knows their mamas won’t! I don’t suggest the violent route that Gonzalez took, but rather simple, honest, and humorous communication. Sometimes that communication can even be body language like moving his hand from one place to another or changing positions. Communicate with finesse, delicately but assertively. Remember, you are in charge. You have the supply of what is in demand; do not be afraid to explore and articulate what you need.

Sex is natural. It’s like farting—everybody does it, even if in shame, pain, pleasure, or one big hot release. But if women had the courage to communicate, then quite possibly we would see progress and sexual evolution happening at a much greater pace.

Here are some phrases to try:

“I need you to get me off with your mouth first before you go inside of me.”

“No, I didn’t orgasm but I really loved watching you lose control.”

“Practice makes perfect, so let me know when you’re ready to practice some more!”

Or try a reward system, so long as the reward is something with which you’re comfortable.

“If you can hold off until I cum, I’ll let you finish on my face … tits … go in the backdoor.”

Now, to sign off with another frustrated but funny female, the artist Boyfriend, annoyed because he didn’t make her cum like her hand did.


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