Men Who Shame Women, Sexuality, Parenting, and Bukkake
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Dear Ms. M.,
I started dating a guy three weeks ago and things have been moving very quickly. We have spent nearly every single night together since we met. Last weekend he demanded I make a timeline of people I’ve hooked-up with, naming who and when. I thought it was ridiculous but we were really intoxicated. I just wrote something down even though I really don’t keep a running tally fresh in my mind to recite off the top of my head. I’m 23, and lost my virginity at 16. I hooked-up a lot in college but I take pride that I’ve always been safe. He’s 32. After I made the timeline, that night for the first time he started calling me whore, slut, and dirty during sex. He had never done that before. It shocked me and made me super uncomfortable. Needless to say I didn’t climax. Two days later when we were intoxicated again, he started drilling me on the timeline, I guess to test me to see if what I said matched what I wrote. Some of it didn’t coincide so he got really mad. I asked him if he had memorized my timeline or something, then told him he should make one too. He said that it didn’t matter for him because he is a guy. I’m having second thoughts even though I’ve already started falling for him. Other than this incident he seems like a good guy. He has a good job, nice apartment, a Porsche, and went to Yale undergrad and Harvard Law. He’s also shown signs of jealousy toward my friends, even my girlfriends and guy friends who are gay. My friends don’t like him except for the fact he always picks up the tab when we’re out. What do you think?
Honey, don’t walk, RUN from this a-hole. You will never find fulfillment or equality of any kind in this relationship if he lives by and accepts the double standards of society. Let me guess, he has a small penis too? I am hearing an insecure little boy from what you describe. The only way he can feel empowered and secure in this relationship is to make you feel embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. It’s the first step to gaining control of you – tearing you and your ego down – and what an awful way to do it too by dissecting your sexuality and your past. You should be proud of what you’ve been through, good and bad. It’s made you the woman you are. Showing signs of jealousy toward your friends is another red flag that he’s a control monster.
This is the start of a co-dependent unhealthy relationship. Leave while you still can. If you want to be that superficial dumb girl who gets with and stays with a guy for the wrong reasons (he looks good on paper – Harvard, Yale, job, Porsche), then this is your learning experience and I pray it doesn’t side swipe your life and leave you to wake up in 10 years wondering where you lost yourself. It sounds like underneath the surface, this guy has some serious issues that he will try to project onto you rather than deal with himself. Do you know how easy it is to “fall” for someone in three weeks? You need to jam pack a week of hanging with your gals and gays. Start dating other people PRONTO to distract you from this pathetic excuse of a man. You don’t need to be settling down at 23 anyway. If you spent this time and energy becoming successful in your own career, it wouldn’t matter that he was picking up the tab, and you sure as hell wouldn’t be putting up with a man who gets off on shaming women. You see the red flags, so stop acting dumb and get it together, girl. You know what to do.
Dear Ms. M.,
My brother and I both look at porn on our family desktop in the office because neither of us have our own computers. I’m 17 and he’s 16. I only know my bro looks at it because I see the history and he locks the door when he’s in there. I’m certain my parents know for the same reason. The other day I was just curious so I looked at some gay porn. The next day my dad sat us both down to talk about it. I was embarrassed he brought it up in front of my brother. It was like he was trying to figure out which one of us was looking at it. It was like looking at gay porn was wrong but hetero porn was fine. My uncle is gay and fully accepted by our family so I don’t get what the big deal is but it still made me embarrassed and ashamed. The thing is I’m not sure if I’m gay. I’ve always had crushes on girls and dated girls but I also feel really excited when I look at gay porn. Do you think I’m gay?
Darling, I can look at tranny or midget porn and feel my clit swell sometimes. Ain’t no thang! Just because you look at something and become turned on by it, it does not define who you are sexually, nor does it define your sexuality. In fact, it means you’re an empathetic being, which is a very beautiful thing. How great it is that you’re open enough to understand sexual energy between human beings – not just a man and a woman. It’s sad your parents don’t see it this way.
I cannot tell you if you’re gay, but I can tell you that sexuality is not just a label – gay, bi, or straight. It’s more a spectrum of colors in between all of those labels, that can change and shift throughout your life. As you move to matters beyond porn, continue your openness and experiment. You never know what flavor of ice cream is your favorite, and with which toppings, until you try all the combinations, right? If it turns out you do like both men and women, then look at the bright side – at least you have a lot more potential people to fall in love with. You’re a sexual being, and that makes you perfectly normal and healthy. That’s really all that matters!
Don’t worry about your parents. They probably just need to get laid more than on their anniversary and birthdays. Do me a favor though, will you? Don’t let them make you feel ashamed, and don’t allow shame or guilt to build a prison in your mind; that will only hurt you in the long run. Look at what you wish online. Use your imagination sometimes without porn too. Enjoy yourself. And if they give you any more sh*t, leave this page for them to find as the last viewed in your computer history.
I was a single dad raising my 15 year old son for 10 years before I married last month. She and my son adjusted to living with each other well up until now. She was taking the laundry upstairs when she walked into his room and caught him jerking off to explicit porn. She didn’t wait until I was home from work to discuss it with me. She told him right then and there he was disgusting and filthy and she didn’t want that going on in her house. Then she grounded him for two weeks. When she relayed to me what she said to him and the punishment, my heart sank. I didn’t agree, but I didn’t want to cause more problems in the house. I’ve kept my mouth shut to keep the peace. However, I don’t want my son to feel like what he did was wrong or that he is filthy or disgusting. I worked hard facilitating an open honest relationship with him so he could come to me about anything, but he hasn’t mentioned this. Should I say something to him?
Someone needs to slap you up side your head,
Pussy Worried Dad. First of all, what kind of example are you setting to your son if you let this woman come into your house and take over, making punishments without consulting you, and declaring it her house? It was yours and your son’s house before she ever came into the picture. What you’re telling me is that you’re in a relationship where your wife makes important decisions that impact your son without communicating or consulting with you first. Therefore, I hope she’s blowing you multiple times a day, rimming you, and rubbing your feet. Let me ask you this: Do you really want him to follow in your footsteps and marry a control freak of a woman, who makes him keep his mouth shut just to keep the peace – even at the sacrifice of his own children?
You need to grow a pair and set some boundaries for your new wife if this household thing is going to work. The first one should be to have the common decency and courtesy to knock on your teenage son’s door. Have a stern talk with her to ensure she knows that before she reacts with punishment or passing judgement on your son, it needs to be discussed with you first. And absolutely no name calling (filthy, disgusting)! Explain to her that what he did was not filthy or disgusting, and it’s very much a part of normal teenage sexuality. You also need to convince your wife to apologize to your son. She disrespected his space by entering his room without knocking, and then called him names.
I can’t resist mentioning, that if she thinks jerking off to porn is filthy, I wonder how boring your sex life must be?
Regarding your son, yes you absolutely need to talk to him and assure him that what he did was not wrong, not filthy, and not disgusting. Un-ground him. This could have serious implications as an imprint on his sexuality, so the sooner you attempt to reverse it, the better. You may also want to consider getting him a lock for his bedroom door. Here’s a script to try:
“Hey Buddy. I know about what happened, and I don’t agree with what she said or how she reacted whatsoever. I’m sorry she said what she did, and I want you to know that jerking off to porn is totally normal, especially at your age. I did it with my dad’s playboys – if we had only had internet porn back then! One thing I can tell you from an old man’s perspective, it’s good sometimes to lay off the porn and just try to use your imagination. It maintains a good balance. Masturbating is definitely not filthy or disgusting; I think she just reacted inappropriately because it startled her. I want to assure you, I’ve spoken with her, and she has promised not to barge into your room like that anymore without knocking first. It’s important you feel comfortable and safe enough to enjoy yourself in the privacy of your own room in our house. I’m proud of you for taking matters into your own hands, Son! … ”
Then maybe you can share a funny awkward story of something you went through – the time you lost your virginity, or maybe a time when you were walked in on too. This is an opportunity for you to build a bond as friends because he’s getting to an age where having some basis of friendship is just as important as him having respect for you as a parent. You want to maintain that trust. You also don’t want him to loose respect for you because you don’t have the balls to stand up to your wife. Be as empathetic as possible and relate to him; he needs to know you have his back. Whatever you do, don’t pussy out and defend her actions and prudish words. Your wife is the one who is in the wrong here, and by you not standing up to her, you’re equally as wrong.
Best of Luck,
I am an open-minded girlfriend and I’m cool with the fact my boyfriend watches a lot of porn. He once told me he goes through phases of what he likes to watch. Yesterday I decided to ask him what his favorite porn du jour was. He said boo cockey. I played along like I knew what he was talking about but when I looked it up on urban dictionary all I found was http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boo%20cockey It doesn’t make sense to me unless he likes seeing girls scream in a high pitch maybe?
-Curious Cool Girlfriend
Girrrrrrrrl, I hope you like facials … and not the kind from Elizabeth Arden. He wasn’t talking about a high-pitched yell, or a circle jerk with firemen covered in ashes. You just misspelled it. He was talking about bukkake, derived from the oh-so-sexually-different Japanese culture. It’s when multiple men jizz all over a girl’s face. A bukkake party can sometimes have hundreds of men. Here’s a look, and here’s another. And remember, just because he’s beatin’ his meat to it, doesn’t mean he wants you to be that girl in the center of a bukkake party. But you could play nice, surprise him with a blow job on your knees, look up at him like an innocent little girl, then pull him out of your mouth and let him spray all over your face. After all, sperm has 80% of our daily intake of vitamin C, so it’s great for your skin. Oh, and one last thing – you might want to wear glasses. If you get it in your eyes, it can sometimes burn and leave them looking bloodshot. ; ) Happy Spa Day!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go masturbate.
Have a question for Ms. M.? Email her here: AdviceFromMsM@gmail.com