A-T-M, Honey Poo Poo the Happy Hooker, Smegma, & Omorashi + Female Squirting

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Ms. M.

Is ATM a safe practice? Thank you.


I would ASSume you’re talking about Ass-To-Mouth and not sliding your sugar daddy’s American Express down your butt crack. In short, no – it’s not the safest practice. You can in fact develop various serious infections by engaging in ATM.

Obviously, gay men are the experts on this subject so we’re going to take a clue from them. I’ve had many a gay friend stay at my apartment, and found many a butt douche in my shower. The oh-so-important butt douche, or personal enema, is to wash out any fecal matter before a night out on the town, because nobody likes a smelly bobby brown. My gay husband buys by the Fleet 3-pack (value pack) from the drug store, but I’m sure there are many other types you can try. So, if you are going to do ATM, keep it clean and pristine to lower the odds of infection.

-Ms. M.


Hi Ms. M.,

My new boyfriend isn’t circumcised. He’s the first uncircumcised guy I’ve been with and every time I pull the skin away it’s all wet and juicy. Before sex, he always uses the bathroom and I’m sure it’s to try to clean it because sometimes when I pull the skin back there are little bits of toilet paper in the wetness. It also smells so horribly to the point I can’t go down on him and I love going down. How do I tell him gently I’d like to go down on him, but he needs to wash it?

OHMIGOODNESS! Bless you for standin’ by your man! Tammy Wynette and Hillary Clinton aint got nothin’ on you girl! This reminds me of my first dog, Lassie. She wouldn’t do anything I tried to train her to do … until I used cheetos instead of dog treats. Those cheetos were like crack to her. Blow-jobs are men’s version of cheetos.

Here’s what you do: Take a shower with him and wash him really well. Maybe you can try a nice mango shower gel, or something that will leave behind a tasty scent. Make the washing fun and flirtatious foreplay. Then, either while you’re still in the shower or while you’re drying him off with a towel, get on your knees and work your magic! He’ll want more cheetos, and eventually you’ll have him trained to where he knows what has to happen in order to get those cheetos.

As Alexyss Tylor says, “Don’t just depend on that toilet paper to do the trick.”

Good Luck!

Ms. M.


Ms. M.,

I write you today to shed some light on a recent attraction of mine that I have developed quite rapidly and unexpectedly. I admit even six months ago I would have thought you were totally out of your mind if the attraction was even a possibility.

The subject is the wetness. It started this summer while my wife and I were sitting at the beach in Far Rockaway. Sitting there on the beach in the midst of my wife and I talking about our love for watermelon, my wife suddenly had the urge to pee. A giggly playful laugh followed, then she grinned and without speaking and staring in to my eyes, she lifted her butt about three inches off the sand and peed her white bikini bottoms. 

The release of tension seemed like a loss of innocence in a way and urine dripping through the swimsuit, the affect of the swimsuit to become sheer and stuck to her labia got me harder than the day I found a bottle of vagisil in my aunts cabinet. Wait … joking … wait … never mind.

A couple caveats to help you further understand: I don’t want to pee on my wife. I don’t want to be submissive or aggressively peed on. I simply like to watch and be as close as I can. So my questions are, am I weird? Is this fetish going to evolve in to a toilet camera thing? In my biased research I found instructional videos, which were essentially porn but interestingly enough mostly Japanese. If there is a gland of sorts that stores the excess fluid, do all women have the potential to squirt? Is there really a difference between squirting and peeing? How many people share my inkling for a tinkling?



Dear Pee-ter,

Last week I had a question about bukkake, and this week we’ve got omorashi. I don’t know about you, but I suddenly have an urge for some sushi.

The reason the videos you found were mostly Japanese is because their culture has an actual term for it – omorashi. There are several subcategories within omorashi that vary quite a great deal. What you experienced was omorashi yagai, which is wetting oneself outdoors through clothing. Had she removed her bikini bottoms to publicly urinate, it would have been called yagai hōnyō. There is also another subcategory called “Nappies” or omutsu omorashi, where the person pees in a diaper. I suppose it’s less “nappie” that way.

Human sexuality is as vast as human imagination – so no, you’re not weird.  Well, except for maybe the vagisil part, but I’m hoping that happened when you were young and overwrought with uncontrollable teenage hormones. Also, I can’t resist pointing out the irony of how your sudden interest and turn on from all of this, came about after discussing your love for watermelon. That JUICY FRUIT really did move ya!

I don’t think this will necessarily develop into a toilet cam fetish. Fetishes will only develop in unhealthy ways if you allow them to, kind of like alcoholism, religious fanaticism, or cocaine abuse – moderation is key. Just be sure to do lots of other stuff in your sex life that turns you on too. Sex is a life-long fantastic voyage so keep exploring and keep evolving. Variety is the spice of life; cayenne pepper tastes good on watermelon, but it’s also bomb on some chicken too.

Yes, there really is a difference between peeing and squirting. Female ejaculation is fluid from the skene’s glands (named after Alexander Skene), or female prostate, that builds up in the urethral sponge, internally near the glans of the clitoris and the urethra. (I’ll refrain from using “g-spot” here, and save my views on the g-spot for another time). Like the fluid made by the male prostate, this liquid is made up of glucose. If you excite her in ways that drive her wild, especially for an extended period of time, more and more of that fluid will build. Some women produce and build up more fluid than others, some quicker than others. Some women can squirt, some cannot.

I do not know how many people share your inkling for a tinkling, but hey – at least you’re not into the two girls one cup thing. It’s good to know what you like, what turns you on, and have that keen sense of self-awareness even throughout your ever evolving kinks. Remember, if you don’t accept yourself, who will?

Love Always,

Ms. M.


Dear Ms. M.,

I am a high-end professional companion who specializes in S&M/dominatrix, prostate massage, and strap-on sex. I love what I do, it turns me on, fulfils me, and the honest truth is, I couldn’t be happier. I do not post pictures of my face on my website, only pictures of my body in costume, with face blurred out.

I’ve never had a problem in my profession until now. I recently received an email from a man who was dying to be fisted. We corresponded back and forth a couple of times before I realized he was my sister’s husband. He used his real name and the same email address our entire family has for him, which I would have noticed sooner had I been on my personal email. He also had no problem admitting he was married. To make matters worse, they just had their second child together about a month ago. My entire family idolizes them as the perfect couple, and they even give me grief about why I haven’t found a good man yet like my sister. Should I tell my sister and risk her telling my entire family about my secret life? I am so angry with him for betraying her.

-Madame Honey

Dear Madame Honey Poo-Poo,

This sounds like DOUBLE TROUBLE! First of all, in your line work, I am positive you see many married men on the regular whether you know it or not. When a prospective client’s wife happens to be your sister, yeah – total bummer. I hate to say it, but you cannot break this news to your sister. Let her live in the façade of the perfect family life for now. With his carelessness, she will eventually stumble upon an email, see a text, or figure it out for herself … especially when she’s doing laundry and sees the poop stains from a fisting episode; most straight men don’t know about douching before something like that anyway. Blowing up his spot (no pun intended) will only blow up your spot, and you said yourself, you’re really happy and fulfilled with what you do. There’s no need for your family and everyone else to know your business. What good will telling do? Break-up her happy family, and in the end, the finger will be pointed less at him and more back at you. Everyone will deem you as the bad guy. As mother Mary said, or in this case Ms. M., speaking words of wisdom – let it be.


Have a relationship or sex question?  Email: AdviceFromMsM@gmail.com

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