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Sexology 101

Happy International Women’s Day!

Dedicated to the greatest most amazing phenomenal woman I know, without whom, I would be nothing. Thank you, Grace.


A couple of days ago I noticed an ad in the Union Square subway station that featured a hipster looking girl wearing a skirt and glasses. I don’t recall what the ad was for, but someone had drawn a speech balloon next to her face, and inside it wrote, “I love cock.”

I thought to myself, why wouldn’t you want a girl who loves cock? What’s wrong with loving cock … unless of course, you’re a lesbian? Society expects women to please men more than it expects men to please women and there is something inherently wrong with that—especially when, as women, we’re mocked for loving something as natural as sex or cock. Why is loving cock a bad thing? It’s like we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. I would hope your girlfriend, wife, or partner loves your cock, otherwise you must have a terribly mundane and horrible sex life. Doesn’t everybody who isn’t asexual want a rockin’ sex life? I mean, sex, drugs, rock-n-roll—they’re all fucking awesome.

As I walked home, I started thinking about how retarded and unjust it is that women who are stopped by the NYPD can be arrested for prostitution based solely on the circumstantial evidence of carrying a condom. A recent article by Molly Crabapple in Vice brought this to my attention and it absolutely horrified me to hear the various stories she uncovered. How many times have I been walking to one of my speaking engagements at a school or university, always looking fierce and fabulous, and always carrying condoms on me to distribute to students. As my attorney often says, “No good deed goes unpunished.” I mean, it’s like Victorian era England, when women were arrested for walking around after dark because that automatically deemed them whores. It’s 2013. WTF? A woman shouldn’t be shamed, much less arrested, for loving cock or carrying condoms. She’s being smart and safe, sex worker or not, and that should be rewarded by society, not condemned.

I began thinking about how ridiculous it is we’ve had to fight so hard simply for the right to choose what we do with our bodies and for the right to have birth control covered by our health insurance providers. This is America. Why shouldn’t I have the simple freedom of choosing what I do with my life and my body? I’ll tell you who the real pussies are: men who are afraid of feminine power and who try to oppress us. Real men are the ones who nurture us, respect us, adore us, and love us as equals; who value our pleasure as much as their own. We’ve had to work so hard, simply to have some rights as to what we can and can’t do with our bodies and our lives, and in this day and age, it appalls me the fight still continues in a country founded upon freedom and individual choice.

Then today I saw a TED talk that really put everything into perspective. It made me realize that although it may seem like we have a tough fight here in America with all of our little-dicked, petrified-of-female-pleasure, conservative politicians, elsewhere in the world it’s actually much worse.

You see, a little girl in Kenya had to make a deal with her father at a very young age. Kakenya Ntaiya agreed to undergo the Massai ceremonial practice of female genital mutilation in exchange for further education. She didn’t want to stop going to school and get married at twelve years old like most girls traditionally do in her village. She didn’t want to be subservient and abused and beaten like her mother had been. She wanted a better life, and so she sacrificed a part of her body in order to do so.

She was allowed to continue through high school in her village, and then with great determination and persistence, she was able to persuade the elder men of her village to support her decision to go to college in the US. Eventually she went to graduate school and worked at the UN before going back home and opening a school for girls. She has since altered the destiny of 125 very lucky little girls, saving them from genital mutilation and also providing them with the opportunity to educate themselves at the school she founded.

All across the world and all across the spectrum, women have been fighting for equality for thousands of years. While I hate the word feminism and many aspects of the feminist movement throughout history, the fact still remains: inequality still exists all over the world and women are still oppressed. All of us (not just women) need to do whatever we can to work toward enlightened equality together.

Side note: I was hanging out with my two guy best friends at their bachelor pad, came out of the bathroom, and declared I had a feminist announcement to make. They looked up big-eyed, bracing themselves.

Just so you know, I put the toilet lid back up because I am respectful of the fact I am in an apartment with all men. Then I washed the shit out of my hands.”

This is what I want the word feminism to represent—respect and equality for all.

I love men, I love cock, and I am proud of it! But I only give my love to a man who loves every part of who I am, respects every part of who I am, and treats me as an equal partner and team player; that is my freedom, and that is my choice.

In celebration of International Women’s Day, I have a call to action for all you ladies out there: stop wasting your time on men who don’t value you or your pleasure. Stop settling for men who don’t respect you and treat you like a queen. But when you do find a REAL man, one who does adore you and respect you and your pleasure, ROCK HIS MOTHERF*CKING WORLD and appreciate the shit out of him.

As women we need to build each other up and support one another. Let’s stop judging looks and appearances, and let’s stop with the gossiping. Let’s begin to appreciate the beauty in each and every one of us. We must encourage, empower, and inspire each other, not just today, but everyday.

Men, do something awesome for the ladies in your lives. We go through a week of bleeding every month and have the ability to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. Don’t let that threaten you or freak you out, guys. Embrace it. It’s human—just like you.

In celebration of International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize and thank Kakenya Ntaiya. To learn more and support her dream of educating and empowering the girls of Kenya, please click here.

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Virginity for Valentine’s Day // Reigniting The High Of Love // Lesbian Cuckolding

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Ms. M.,

I’m still a virgin. I’ve been dating the same guy for seven months and he is a virgin too. My mom always told me having sex before marriage was okay as long as I love the person. We say I love you, but I don’t really know if I truly love him. I plan on moving across the country for college next year and he plans on staying here to work at his family’s business. I’ve decided I don’t want to go off to college still a virgin. Most of my friends have already had sex and I always feel like I’m missing out on something when they talk about it. I think I want to give my boyfriend my virginity for Valentine’s Day. Is there anything I should know first to prepare? Do you have any pointers or tips for first timers?


What an exciting idea, Ready! One thing is for sure, Valentine’s Day, 2013 will always be a benchmark in your book!

While parents and older generations like to put the idea in our heads that sex is only deemed acceptable if you love someone (or the more antiquated view—only if you’re married), it’s simply not true. Sex and love are two different things, even though they go quite nicely when paired together. You can be madly in love with someone, and still fantasize about, or be driven to have sex with someone else. This is completely human. This is completely normal. The key is to always be honest with yourself, your partner(s), and not hurt people along the way.

Sex is perfectly acceptable when you desire to have it, if you’re safe and responsible, and if you’re with someone who is respectful of you, your body, your needs, and your pleasure.

But I would advise you be respectful of your own pleasure first. Can you orgasm when you masturbate? The first step to loving yourself is to give yourself a little lovin’. You won’t have an orgasm with a guy if you can’t give one to yourself. Your orgasm is not some gift he gives to you; it’s the gift you give to yourself, and he gets the honor of being present and a part of it when you do. Next, to prove he is respectful of your body and your pleasure, have him get you off with his hands or his mouth before you let him go inside of you. If all women made this a golden rule, the world would be a much better and happier place. Why risk STDs or pregnancy if you’re not even going to orgasm?

Oh wait, you’re curious. You said it yourself, you don’t want to go off to college a virgin and you feel like you’re missing out on something. And you know what? That’s really effing cool of you. In all honesty, I don’t think most girls loose their virginity to cum. I think most of them hope it will make a guy like them more or commit more. You, however, with your perfectly healthy curiosity are in the best possible scenario—in control and aware of what you want and why you want it, which doesn’t involve using sex to manipulate your boyfriend or the relationship.

You should know it’s not going to be fireworks and orgasmic explosions your first time. The best part of it will probably be the foreplay and kissing before penetration, then the cuddling after you’re done. My first time was awkward, I bled, and it hurt. It hurt really badly. But I did it again the next day, and the next day. It’s kind of like learning how to ride a bike or water ski. You have to practice, and it might hurt the first few times, but you have to keep going. Loosing your virginity may seem like an event, but remember, this is only the beginning to the process of your sexuality. It’s like opening a door to a magical land that has yet to be discovered and explored. You must keep exploring.

Make sure you both know how to use a condom properly—from how you open the wrapper, to how you put it on him. They are only effective if they are used the right way. If I were you, I’d go with a lubricated condom, and have some water-based lube nearby. Sliquid is a great brand, and the one I would recommend.

Don’t worry about whether or not he thinks your thighs are fat or if he sees that pimple on your bum or what he thinks of how your pussy looks. He’s going to be so excited that his rocket ship penis is about to blast off into your supernatural slit of galactic outer space, he’s not going to pay attention to whatever it is about your body that makes you insecure. We all have something we’re insecure about—even him—so brush that dirt off your shoulder.

Be sure you’re relaxed and in a safe comfortable environment. Don’t just go for it. Take your time. Spend a long time kissing and working your way up to that moment. Giggle along the way—it builds intimacy and comfort. When you do finally go for it, breathe deep. Don’t clinch. Let go. Relax.

And remember, sex is like Chinese food: you can have it once and it’s God-awful horrible and you think you never want to have it again. But don’t let it turn you off forever. Be open to trying it again with someone new, somewhere new, because I promise you there’s an infinite amount of variation out there in this world and you’re sure to find at least one where you can’t seem to get enough.

Love Always,

Ms. M.


Dear Ms. M.,

I’ve been married for six years to the same man. We’re happy and active in our sex life. But lately it feels kind of boring, like we’re in a rut. The sex is great but also routine. I think we’re too accustomed to each other. I was wondering, can you suggest anything we can do in our sex life or otherwise, that might give us that feeling of being newly in love again? I miss that.



Dear Donna,

Love and sex! Two different things, but great when they go together—kind of like strawberries and champagne. I was recently on a Real Love panel with the ever-so-brilliant, Dr. Helen Fisher. I’ve followed her work for years, as she studies the science of romantic love and the brain in love. So when I finally met her, I was more than excited to introduce her to Mr. M. and credit her for teaching me what I know about keeping that spark alive. I was thrilled to confess that I have used her scientifically proven trick to boost that being-in-love feeling: novelty. Doing something completely new, thrilling, and risky together boosts dopamine in the brain. And dopamine is the chemical that gives you the feeling of being high on love.

A couple of years ago, Mr. M. and I were on an evening flight on a mostly empty small plane. There weren’t people sitting around us, so when the flight attendants were required to be seated for landing, I went down on him right there in the seat. No blanket over my head, just me giving him head. He finished just as the wheels touched down.

Another time, we were walking from our apartment to Grand Central Market to do some shopping. I grinned, grabbed his hand, and told him to follow me as I took him on a little surprise detour. We walked into what was then, the Helmsley Hotel on 42nd Street, past the front desk agents and onto the elevator. We got off on a random floor, walked into a stairwell, and had sex. Then there was the time we made love on the twirly stairs inside the lighthouse on Isla Mujeres overlooking the ancient Mayan ruins. Once he went down on me atop Mont Royal—I was wearing a skirt with no panties and thankfully, it was summer in Montreal and not too cold. There was a pebbly beach in Sitges, Spain and a sandy beach on an early spring morning in Amagansett. Another time we rode our bikes out into a field of blooming yellow flowers in Bath Spa, England, then rolled around making love in them. There was the roof of his parents’ house … lots of roofs actually. I can’t even get started on the numerous bars, clubs, and restaurants where we’ve frolicked … oh, and once in a library. At home, there is not one inch of surface area that hasn’t seen us naked. We especially like the kitchen, though I’d advise never messing around after chopping hot peppers. Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire ain’t got nothin’ on a body part that’s encountered the fiery juice of a jalapeño.

I would hope all couples incorporate such spontaneity into their sex lives because it also boosts the dopamine, which boosts that feeling of being in love. Lingerie and candles are fine and sexy, but they’re not going to give you or your partner as big of a thrill as doing something novel or even risky together. If my experiences are a little too dangerous for you, then try something like renting a limo and taking a romping ride around town. Or check out day use hotels, get a room for the day, invite him over, and surprise him with a role-play scenario. Try to make part of the routine to never have sex the same way twice in a row.

It’s important to remember though, novelty doesn’t always have to be sexual. You could go on a hot air balloon ride, sky diving, bungee jumping, or just do something new and out of your element together.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Ms. M.


Help Ms. M.,

I am worried. I have this fantasy about my girlfriend that plagues me. I am a thirty-three year old lesbian living with my girlfriend nine years my junior. Like me, she has always been aware of her sexuality. But unlike me she has slept with a man. Actually, he was the last person she slept with before we got together.

They both worked at the same spot bartending and the hours were gruesome. At four in the morning after doing shots and drinking on the job she would usually go sleep at his place because it was two blocks away versus her commute home which was over an hour. They would continue the party at his, and inevitably wound up sleeping together. This went on for nine months. She practically lived with him. It all ended when he confessed he was in love with her. She told him it wouldn’t ever work because she couldn’t love him the same way he loved her.

I knew her and went to the bar where she worked with him for months before she and I got together. We were friends. We always had chemistry. When we finally got together, the sex was explosive. I’ve never experienced anything that comes close. A few months in we bought a strap-on and I began fucking her with it. When I do she cums harder and more intensely than any other way we have sex. It turns me on so much I usually orgasm from watching and feeling her orgasm.

The thing is, now I can’t stop thinking about seeing a man fucking her. I have never in my life been attracted to a man and I don’t have any desire to have sex with one. But I can’t help but fantasize about a man fucking her from behind while she’s going down on me, feeling her face fuck me with each one of his hard thrusts. I wonder what she would taste like with a man’s juices inside and outside of her. I fantasize about eating a man’s cum off of her. I think about walking in on her and catching her fucking a man behind my back. These thoughts make me cum harder and more intensely than anything I’ve ever experienced. They are my go to thoughts when I masturbate and always when we’re fucking. The thing is, I’m not sure if I want to try this in real life. Part of me is scared she might like being with a man so much she will leave me, even though we have a great relationship and we’re madly in love. I’ve only shared this with my best guy friend who laughed and told me I was a cuckold. He said I should tell my girlfriend, but I am afraid she will feel degraded or actually want to try this, and I don’t know if I’m ready or if I could handle that. I definitely don’t want to ruin our relationship. Is there a science behind cuckolding? Do you think I’m a cuckold? Should I tell my girlfriend about my fantasies? Do you think we should try them? Is something wrong with me? I am tormented holding all of this inside.

My Dear,

I am so sorry to hear of your torment. You’ll be relieved to know nothing is wrong with you. You’re absolutely fine! Everyone who has a healthy imagination has fantasies, even the non-sexual kind. So stop beating yourself up and stop being so hard on yourself.

As far as cuckolding, yes there are quite a few theories behind it which extend far beyond cuckolding being just another category of videos on a porn site. The cuckold is so turned on and titillated from seeing his hot wife getting railed by a stud, or super stud (typically with a much bigger cock), that the cuckold’s feelings of jealousy dissolve. Some theories suggest there is a sperm-competition drive: seeing his hot wife being pleasured by the stud with a bigger longer-lasting cock makes the cuckold’s balls more productive thereby granting the cuckold a stronger orgasm. Another theory is that the cuckold has a subconscious desire to submit to a bigger cock, and therefore in his mind, the way to do that is to give his hot wife to the stud with the bigger cock. And then there’s the whole delving into matriarchal societies in relation to cuckolding but I’m not going to go into all of that here.

Because Darling, I actually don’t think you’re a cuckold. I think what’s really happening here, from your email and all the background information you’ve given me, is that you’ve fetishized your girlfriend’s past. You’ve sexually processed what she went through, but you haven’t processed it emotionally. Maybe that’s because it’s difficult for you to fully understand why she would ever sleep with a man if she’s a lesbian. And I bet that scares you a little. And that’s why it also turns you on. In the field of fantasy research, it is commonly known that what scares us a little is often the precipice of what turns us on the most.

I’ll tell you about something I went through when I was much much younger, in my early 20s. I was dating an older guy who was a big shot hedge funder. They’re a dime a dozen in Manhattan, especially when you’re a barely 21 hottie. We had great sex, albeit, it usually involved a lot of alcohol and cocaine. One day he was really high and looking through folders on his computer searching for old pictures to share with me. He mistakenly opened one called TR-Investments, which from the name, I assumed involved his work. WRONG! It was his stash of tranny porn—an entire folder devoted to nothing but movie clips of trannies he had downloaded from the internet. And instantly, I became insecure. I was threatened. I wondered if he was gay. I wondered if he needed something sexually I could never give him.

Add time, more alcohol, and more cocaine, and the next thing I know, I’m watching tranny porn left and right—with him and on my own.

We broke up. I still watched tranny porn. I even had sex with a stunningly gorgeous one I had befriended, who was fully functional and had great tits. (Gay men, I know you’re judging me right now—you always do.) I lived out the fantasy, but it wasn’t as exciting as I had built it up in my mind to be. I too, had sexually processed something I couldn’t understand, which manifested itself into a fantasy. And when I tried that fantasy in real life, it wasn’t all that. I haven’t looked at tranny porn in years. It does nothing for me now.

I happen to think fantasies are much healthier if they go through phases, if you explore them, because when you evolve, so do they. Being stuck on the same fantasy your entire life can’t be healthy … or satisfying.

Should you tell your girlfriend? Absolutely. Keeping your fantasies locked in and all to yourself is not fully sharing who you are with your partner. It’s a recipe for torment, because while you’re having sex, your mind is playing a movie of something else to get you off, and you’re not being fully present in the moment, fully enjoying your lover. That’s not fair to either of you!

How and when you tell her is the important part. For example, I wouldn’t blurt out, “I want to see a big cock pumping you from behind,” during sex. But what you can tell her, perhaps over dinner or whilst snuggling together on the couch, is that feeling her cum when you’re using the strap-on makes you more turned on and excited than anything you’ve ever experienced. And so you wonder if she ever misses being with a man. See where the conversation goes from there. If she says no, I suppose that’s good for you, and if she says yes, I suppose that’s good for your fantasy. Either way, having this conversation is going to be a catalyst for your relationship to grow, whether that growth is sexually, emotionally, or intimately.

The place all couples should strive for is a place where you can openly and honestly share your fantasies, and even talk them out during sex. Does it mean you’ll try it in real life? Not necessarily. And if you do, it might not turn out to be as exciting in real life as you’ve built it up to be in your mind.

Mr. M. and I tell each other everything. We talk out our fantasies during sex. But it takes two truly secure people in a secure relationship to do this. Being open and honest is a constant test of how strong you are together. And you know what? Sometimes I tell him things or show him porn clips he is so not into and he just shakes his head and laughs. And that’s okay. No two people are the same. No two people like all the same food or all the same music, and therefore, no two people are going to be 100% into the same fantasies 100% of the time. It amazes me how many people profess their unconditional love and acceptance of one another, but then their actions don’t align. Use laughter and acceptance as building blocks, not judgement and definitely not mockery.

It’s helpful if you have a close group of friends to tell things to as well. The more fearlessly authentic you can be with others, the more you finely tune yourself, and the more you let go of shame and accept yourself. Fine self-tuning is a constant process. You don’t just tune a guitar once, and expect it to stay that way forever. Working to keep it in tune while you play is key to making beautiful music, and working to keep yourself constantly in tune is the key to making a beautiful satisfying sexual evolution.

So tune away. Practice having more real conversations with your guy best friend—he sounds good for you. Laugh, especially at yourself. And talk to your girlfriend already! Stop holding this stuff inside that’s tormenting you. If you don’t accept your authentic self, who will?

Love Always,

Ms. M.


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Transgendered Feminism // THIS BOY IS A BOTTOM

There’s all this talk in the world of “feminism” about whether or not transgendered ladies should be allowed to be included in the “movement.”

I’ll be honest. For most of my life, I’ve really hated the word feminism; its connotation always felt as dark and dirty as a rectal prolapse. I grew up in a time when feminists seemed to be anti-porn, men-hating, penis-hating, unsexy, unFEMININE women I just assumed really needed to cum. I considered the feminist movement similar to the Black Panthers, fighting on the extreme side of the pendulum, which perhaps at the time, may have been necessary in some ways to tear into the unjust world of inequality. But as we evolve to a place closer toward the middle, closer to a place of balance, it’s time to rethink and re-frame what this word and movement really mean. As many of my modern day contemporaries have suggested, if you’re a woman enjoying the right to vote, work, drive, and to not be sold or treated like property, you’re automatically a feminist. So, if I’m going to accept and swallow that word as part of my existence as a woman, much less be a part of any type of movement, it needs new definition and connotation: equality. That’s all any of us want at the end of the day. Is it not? We’re not completely there yet; I acknowledge there is still more work to be done. But it’s frustrating and sad so many other women have TAINTed the word feminism. The modern ideal and definition of it should simply be equality.

Therefore, shouldn’t we all be working to help transgendered folks achieve equality too? Isn’t being compassionate at the heart of our feminine energy?

So why on earth are these antiquated so-called “feminists” being all anti-transgendered? Most trannies can do hair and make-up better than I can. And guess what? I had a vintage Chanel dress I wore on New Year’s Eve that I was determined to wear. But my boobs wouldn’t fit it. And you know who taught me how to make them fit … how to make them WERQ!? A TRANNY! Yes, SHE helped me accentuate one of the most glorious wonderful parts of being a woman better than any of my born-female fashion designer friends could. (To see how I gave myself the best cheapest fake boob job ever, read here.) For the record, I love and accept my itty bitty titties—I just loved the dress too.

As Caitlin Moran, author of How To Be A Woman, is quoted in this article,

“I think the relationship between feminism and transgender women should be absolutely sympathetic, arms-slung-around-shoulders and all-on-the-same-side. We’re all gunning for the same thing — equality, feeling comfortable in our own skin, not automatically cringing or feeling unworthy or ‘other.'”

So to my trannies, my gays, my bi-sexuals, my heteros, my a-sexuals, my crossdressers, my men, my women, my hermaphrodites, my tops, my bottoms (whose assholes may or may not be “medium rare”), my versatiles, my BDSM hommies, my subs and doms, my ladies who love strap-ons and the men that love them (and butt plugs): I offer you unconditional love and acceptance. It’s your life and you only get one, so live it like it motherf*cking counts!

Now it’s time to jam out to this gem!!!


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Pencil Dicks Short Vaginas, Herpes, and Sugar Daddy Issues

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Dear Ms. M.,

This is maybe a little tamer than the questions you usually get. I am a young, 19 year old guy who has been having problems with fit recently. When I first lost my virginity at 16 there were no problems, but with each consecutive girl I have had sex with, I have a harder time getting it to fit in. I have slept with four girls in total now. I think maybe I have just grown down below since I was 16, but maybe I am just doing something wrong. It is more of a depth problem than width usually, and even with lube and lots of foreplay, for the girls it isn’t solved. It is really frustrating not to be able to go all the way in and I was wondering what could help fix this. It is stopping me from enjoying sex as much, especially since the girls find it painful, and having my partner enjoy it is paramount to my own enjoyment as well. As young teenager I never would have thought that I would have wanted a shorter penis; I don’t even think mine is that big (actually I am quite sure). Is it possible these girls just have short vaginas? Is this a common problem? Anything you can tell me would be useful, thanks!

-In Too Deep

P.S.: Not sure if this is inappropriate to include, but my penis is only 18cm (about 7 inches) in length.


I am very pleased to hear you are using lube and engaging in lots of foreplay. I am even more impressed to hear that having your partner enjoy it is paramount to your own enjoyment. You are a wonderful example of a sexually conscious evolved male. Kudos!

When I read your email, I was reminded of a guy I used to date nicknamed Tripod, because basically, it was like a third leg. We didn’t need lube (I get very wet naturally on my own), but he always spent a good 30+ minutes on foreplay. When he did finally penetrate me, I was so eager and hungry for him, he would basically stay still and I would grind my way to greater and greater depths. He was 11+ inches. Only once after a three-day trip we took together, did I feel sore from all the sex.

That being said, I’ve also had sex with guys much smaller than Tripod and smaller than you, yet some of them had this notion that pounding me hard, fast, and forcefully was the way to magically and instantly make me cum. So you see, it’s not necessarily the size of your cock, but how you work it.

Consider the motion in the ocean. Are you going bang bang bang, hammering away? Or, are you slowly entering her, teasing her, and listening to her body? Are you allowing her to suck you inside of her between her legs, because she’s so hungry for it, she needs it? Or are you pounding her?

Hardcore porn tends to teach younger guys the wrong way to do it. Sport sex can be fun on occasion, but remember, porn stars are PAID TO ACT like they’re into it; it’s not a fine example of how to truly please a woman. Go in slow motion, to where you’re driving yourself crazy. Try not to stick the whole thing in there in one big jabbing force.

You can also try switching up the angles. Let her be on top and be the one in control. Or, if you’re on top, go inside of her, then put her legs together and your legs around the outside of her legs. You can also try putting a pillow under her bum to vary the angle.

More importantly, remember you’re only at the beginning of your sexual pilgrimage. If you’re having sex with girls your age, they are likely as new to sex as you are. Odds are, they don’t know what they’re doing yet. Keep trying: patience, perseverance, and practice are key ingredients. Maybe hook-up with an older or more experienced gal who can give you more relevant honest feedback.

Good Luck,

Ms. M.


Ms. M.,

I found Valtrex in my boyfriend’s bathroom cabinet and his name was on the prescription label. When we started having sex, he swore to me he didn’t have anything so we’ve been having sex unprotected for nearly six months now. I’m so pissed I want to kill him, and definitely considering breaking up. A friend said I probably will not get herpes so long as we don’t have sex when he has a visible sore. Is this true or do you think I have already gotten herpes? I’m so mad he lied and didn’t tell me.

-Betrayed In Boston

Hold your horses there, Betrayed. You’re jumping to conclusions and living in the heat of emotion. You haven’t even communicated with your partner about this find, yet you feel your relationship is at a level where it’s okay to have unprotected sex regularly—doesn’t add up.

If you were in a great relationship, you would calmly and coolly explain you were searching for Advil or toilet paper or toothpaste and noticed the bottle of Valtrex with his name on it. Then you would ask, “Is there something I should know? Are you okay?”

He hasn’t necessarily lied. Valtrex is used to treat alpha-herpes viruses, including herpes simplex viruses 1 & 2 (what you’re worried about), plus varicella zoster virus, which causes chicken pox and shingles. So basically, it’s possible he has Valtrex because he had a bad case of shingles, which is not an STD. While they all may be of the same viral family, it’s important you remember the varicella zoster virus that causes shingles does not and will not cause herpes.

If he does have herpes, then yes, it’s possible you have contracted it. It’s a virus that stays dormant in the body, so until you get your first outbreak, you won’t show any symptoms and you can still possibly infect partners. If you have no symptoms but would like to know if you have contracted the virus, you can opt to take a blood test or an antibody test.  Here’s some information on test types, so you can determine which might be best for you.

If you do in fact have the virus, it doesn’t necessarily mean he was the one who gave it to you. In the USA alone, one in four sexually active women and one in five sexually active men have herpes. Additionally, among the estimated 50 million Americans who have genital herpes, 90% don’t know they have the disease. One last thing while we’re on the topic: those blisters on people’s mouths everyone calls “cold sores” are actually herpes simplex type 1. Don’t let them fool you!

-Ms. M.


Dear Ms. M.,

I have been in a relationship with a man who started out as my sugar daddy. He pays my rent and all my college expenses and gives me spending money. We go out to nice restaurants and also have occasional threesomes with other girls, which I enjoyed until recently. You see, I’ve developed feelings for him I can’t explain. We have a huge age difference and looks wise, it doesn’t make sense. I’m afraid to tell him because if I do, he might end the relationship and cut me off. But at the same time, I hate hearing about his mean nagging wife, their family vacations she organizes, and her redecorating plans of their huge townhouse. I deserve what she has, not her. He also has three kids, so I doubt he will leave his family to be with me. What should I do?

Falling for your sugar daddy is like being a drug dealer and gettin’ high on your own supply. You just don’t do it! You got into this situation for money, and at best a friendship—not love.

Most importantly, you do not deserve what his wife has, you deserve better. You deserve a man who wouldn’t cheat on you if you were his wife (unless you were both cool with an open marriage). You deserve a man, who, when faced with a sexless miserable marriage would communicate, seek therapy, or divorce. That is a real man, one who makes a valiant effort, BUT who is also true to himself. If a man is not true to himself, how could you ever expect he remain true to you or your marriage? You may be thinking he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were his wife, but what about in 20 years when you get old and boring? Men have sugar babies for the same reason dogs lick their balls: because they can. And yet, a lot of them have a profound need for affection, sex, and to feel needed by someone, but ironically don’t have the balls to leave their wives who aren’t fulfilling their needs.

He’s not going to leave his miserable nagging wife. You are selling your long-term self short for some cash and the façade of security; that’s not cool. Personally, I think it’s fine to have a sugar daddy at this point in your life. In fact, the experience will hopefully provide you with some insight to men, bad marriages, and how powerful you can be as a female (see Erotic Capital). But once you’re out of college, it’s imperative you make your own money and provide yourself with security, or you’ll wind up being no different than his wife.

The greatest thing that could come out of a long-term relationship like this, besides the obvious mutually beneficial arrangement, is a profound lasting friendship. One day you may not still have sex and you may not be supported by him financially, but you will hopefully always be able to call each other up and shoot the breeze with ease.

You need to get over your romantic feelings for him. Find another guy, ideally hotter and younger to crush on and distract yourself; have lots of sex with the young stud. Take a small break from the sugar daddy, go on a trip, get your groove back like Stella. But whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, tell your sugar daddy you have feelings for him. It will make life much more complicated for you both. Let it be! He likes being needed, but not being possessed or nagged the way his wife treats him. You are his fun escape from the world; remain so, and remain in your current lifestyle.

You could also consider getting a job and taking out student loans like the rest of American students, but who wants to pay off loans for the rest of their life? Maybe just find another sugar daddy. Affection-starved, sex-starved men in miserable marriages are extremely easy to find. Apparently, there are tons of girls at NYU with them. Screw the expensive costs of college education in this country, and screw the man … oh wait, you are.  ;)

Much Love,

Ms. M.


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Like My Hand Did

First and foremost, I hope everyone reading in the US had a Happy Thanksgiving and gobbled up a lot more than just turkey! I know I sure did, and I was thankful to be gobbled up too. I am also thankful to have a phenomenal sex life with my younger supermodel boyfriend.

But some people aren’t so lucky.

Take Raquel Gonzalez, for example. On Monday, she was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery and hauled off to the Manatee County jail. According to the police report, she was engaging in sex with her live-in boyfriend, Esric Davis, at their home in Bradenton, Florida, when Mr. Davis climaxed before she had a chance to. Ahh the injustice! He got his big bang of pleasure, but didn’t care whether or not she got hers. Rather than masturbating to finish herself off—like many modern reasonable women are forced to do—she took the violent route and attacked Davis, hitting him and scratching his face all to hell. I guess his mother never taught him, ladies first.

Recently, I received the below email to my advice column:

Ms. M.,

What is up with the guys that ask, immediately after they cum: “Did you cum?”
This has happened a few times over the years with different partners. I never have known what to say. This last time, I lied and said yes. I felt that he knew I lied. It’s not that the sex was bad, either; it was a pretty hot and satisfying quickie in the back of a car while we were at a wedding party. No, I didn’t explode, but it wasn’t bad sex either.
I am just wondering what compels a guy to ask this and what the appropriate answer is (if I clearly did not squirt or shake or scream).

-Backseat Bridesmaid

Well, BB, I’m glad you didn’t become enraged from blue ovaries and land yourself in jail like Gonzalez. Let’s take a moment to look at the big picture.

In the grand scheme of things, women are just now overcoming thousands of years of being raped, owned, sold, and treated like property. And in some countries, this antiquated mentality and treatment of women still exists. The fact men in the modern world are just now getting a clue to the idea that, if they can bring us great undying pleasure, we’ll gladly and voluntarily do the same in return and with more frequency, is progress. The fact he cared whether or not you came is progress.

Side note to guys who ask this question: if you can’t tell she just had an orgasm, if you don’t feel the contractions happening in her vagina around your cock, then no, she didn’t just cum.

I hope men ask, “Did you cum?” because they genuinely want us to experience the same pleasure they get from orgasm during sex. But the reality is there are an infinite number of reasons why he would ask such a question, those reasons being as varied and complex as the human experience itself.

It’s possible, after a random hook-up, your orgasm is crucial; otherwise he might be left feeling like he owes you something more—like a relationship. Maybe your pleasure was an afterthought of his climax simply because he was so caught up in his own climactic moment. Perhaps at times, a man only pretends to care whether or not you came, because seeming to care about your pleasure might ensure a second round of sex with him in the future. Besides, no modern intelligent man wants a reputation as a bad selfish lover, or as in Esric Davis’s case—a one-minute man.

The artist Trina doesn’t hesitate to speak her truth in the song One Minute Man.

“One minute, two minutes, three minutes – hell no to please me you gotta sleep in it.”

But most women don’t speak the truth so blatantly for many reasons. They won’t tell you that you’re an awful lover or that your penis is too small or you ejaculate too soon. Likewise, most (smart) guys won’t admit you look fat in that dress or inquire about your stretch marks or comment on your weight. The human ego is a fragile thing; fracturing it only breeds insecurity, which is a toxic element in any type of relationship—from friendship to marriage, or even a mere moment during a hook-up.

Hopefully the purpose of sex for both parties is to feel good. And feeling good doesn’t necessarily have to equate to orgasm every single time. Sex is about feeling connected to and with another human being on a variety of levels. It’s a deep sense of empathy, fun, adventure, power, and letting go. As BB’s email suggests, just because there was no orgasm from penetrative sex, she still found the experience to be hot and satisfying.

As far as whether or not to lie, I wish more women would stop faking it and be honest about whether or not they orgasm. Guys who can’t last long enough to bring her to orgasm (especially those one to five minute men) need to do some serious holding off exercises. You don’t run a marathon without training and working out first, and you won’t become a long-lasting great lover without some training either. Women who can’t orgasm from masturbating need to learn how to before expecting a man to magically give it to them. Ladies, you won’t have orgasms during sex until you first know how to give one to yourself. If you’re not well versed with your own body, how can you expect someone else to be? Overall, both sexes could use some shaping up in the bedroom.

I will say this, woman to woman: Do your fellow sisters a favor and be honest with your men, whether they’re boyfriends or random hook-ups. It will improve your own sex life, communication skills, and confidence. Then if you do split up, your honesty will hopefully serve as a catalyst for him to step his game up with the next girl. The guys who are lousy lovers are lousy because women have let them get away with it. As women, we must teach and show them how to be better lovers—God knows their mamas won’t! I don’t suggest the violent route that Gonzalez took, but rather simple, honest, and humorous communication. Sometimes that communication can even be body language like moving his hand from one place to another or changing positions. Communicate with finesse, delicately but assertively. Remember, you are in charge. You have the supply of what is in demand; do not be afraid to explore and articulate what you need.

Sex is natural. It’s like farting—everybody does it, even if in shame, pain, pleasure, or one big hot release. But if women had the courage to communicate, then quite possibly we would see progress and sexual evolution happening at a much greater pace.

Here are some phrases to try:

“I need you to get me off with your mouth first before you go inside of me.”

“No, I didn’t orgasm but I really loved watching you lose control.”

“Practice makes perfect, so let me know when you’re ready to practice some more!”

Or try a reward system, so long as the reward is something with which you’re comfortable.

“If you can hold off until I cum, I’ll let you finish on my face … tits … go in the backdoor.”

Now, to sign off with another frustrated but funny female, the artist Boyfriend, annoyed because he didn’t make her cum like her hand did.


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Cliteracy, 100 Natural Laws


An artist named Sophia Wallace emailed my advice column the other day to invite me to the debut of her art project, Cliteracy, 100 Natural Laws. Of course I couldn’t refuse an opportunity to attend something with a name like that! When I wrote back telling her I would be there, she was kind enough to put me on her VIP list, adding, “I’m so happy to connect. I really appreciated your thoughtful research as I worked on CLITERACY over this last year.”


What’s great about standing in front of the piece for an extended period of time, is the experience of constantly catching some new tidbit of information the eyes hadn’t seen before. It was thrilling to watch the wheels begin turning in peoples’ minds as they viewed the work. That’s precisely when I would approach and ask, “Are you learning something new?” Nearly everyone answered with a resounding YES!

As the artist described her project via email:

“CLITERACY, 100 Natural Laws is mixed media project that explores a paradox: the global obsession with sexualizing female bodies in a world that is illiterate when it comes to female sexuality. The project reveals – the phallic as neutral – bias in science, law, philosophy, politics, religion, media and art.”

CLITERACY is the result of her Van Lier Fellowship in the Art and Law Residency Program, founded by the Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts . You can still catch a glimpse of her work at the Dumbo Arts Center in Brooklyn as part of the Scènes à Faire exhibition through October 21st, 2012.

What’s even better than seeing the work? Joining in the conversation with the artist herself, on October 16th, 2012 from 7PM – 8:30 at the Dumbo Arts Center.

Here are some of the laws from the project:

        You don’t know what you think you know about the clitoris.

        The clitoris is not a button, it is an iceberg.

        Clitoris, say my name say my name.

        Lady Justice, where is the liberty in sex without orgasms?

        When auditioning a new lover test out their manual and oral skills if those are lacking take heed.

        Freedom in society can be measured by the distribution of orgasms.

        A man would never be expected to get off through sex acts that ignored his primary sexual organ.

        Terrorism is having sex your entire adult life, giving birth to 6 children, and never experiencing orgasm.

        Viagra won’t make you cliterate.

        Orgasm is a fundamental inalienable human right.

        Democracy without cliteracy? Phallusy

What natural laws would YOU propose to help the world become more cliterate?


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A-T-M, Honey Poo Poo the Happy Hooker, Smegma, & Omorashi + Female Squirting

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Ms. M.

Is ATM a safe practice? Thank you.


I would ASSume you’re talking about Ass-To-Mouth and not sliding your sugar daddy’s American Express down your butt crack. In short, no – it’s not the safest practice. You can in fact develop various serious infections by engaging in ATM.

Obviously, gay men are the experts on this subject so we’re going to take a clue from them. I’ve had many a gay friend stay at my apartment, and found many a butt douche in my shower. The oh-so-important butt douche, or personal enema, is to wash out any fecal matter before a night out on the town, because nobody likes a smelly bobby brown. My gay husband buys by the Fleet 3-pack (value pack) from the drug store, but I’m sure there are many other types you can try. So, if you are going to do ATM, keep it clean and pristine to lower the odds of infection.

-Ms. M.


Hi Ms. M.,

My new boyfriend isn’t circumcised. He’s the first uncircumcised guy I’ve been with and every time I pull the skin away it’s all wet and juicy. Before sex, he always uses the bathroom and I’m sure it’s to try to clean it because sometimes when I pull the skin back there are little bits of toilet paper in the wetness. It also smells so horribly to the point I can’t go down on him and I love going down. How do I tell him gently I’d like to go down on him, but he needs to wash it?

OHMIGOODNESS! Bless you for standin’ by your man! Tammy Wynette and Hillary Clinton aint got nothin’ on you girl! This reminds me of my first dog, Lassie. She wouldn’t do anything I tried to train her to do … until I used cheetos instead of dog treats. Those cheetos were like crack to her. Blow-jobs are men’s version of cheetos.

Here’s what you do: Take a shower with him and wash him really well. Maybe you can try a nice mango shower gel, or something that will leave behind a tasty scent. Make the washing fun and flirtatious foreplay. Then, either while you’re still in the shower or while you’re drying him off with a towel, get on your knees and work your magic! He’ll want more cheetos, and eventually you’ll have him trained to where he knows what has to happen in order to get those cheetos.

As Alexyss Tylor says, “Don’t just depend on that toilet paper to do the trick.”

Good Luck!

Ms. M.


Ms. M.,

I write you today to shed some light on a recent attraction of mine that I have developed quite rapidly and unexpectedly. I admit even six months ago I would have thought you were totally out of your mind if the attraction was even a possibility.

The subject is the wetness. It started this summer while my wife and I were sitting at the beach in Far Rockaway. Sitting there on the beach in the midst of my wife and I talking about our love for watermelon, my wife suddenly had the urge to pee. A giggly playful laugh followed, then she grinned and without speaking and staring in to my eyes, she lifted her butt about three inches off the sand and peed her white bikini bottoms. 

The release of tension seemed like a loss of innocence in a way and urine dripping through the swimsuit, the affect of the swimsuit to become sheer and stuck to her labia got me harder than the day I found a bottle of vagisil in my aunts cabinet. Wait … joking … wait … never mind.

A couple caveats to help you further understand: I don’t want to pee on my wife. I don’t want to be submissive or aggressively peed on. I simply like to watch and be as close as I can. So my questions are, am I weird? Is this fetish going to evolve in to a toilet camera thing? In my biased research I found instructional videos, which were essentially porn but interestingly enough mostly Japanese. If there is a gland of sorts that stores the excess fluid, do all women have the potential to squirt? Is there really a difference between squirting and peeing? How many people share my inkling for a tinkling?



Dear Pee-ter,

Last week I had a question about bukkake, and this week we’ve got omorashi. I don’t know about you, but I suddenly have an urge for some sushi.

The reason the videos you found were mostly Japanese is because their culture has an actual term for it – omorashi. There are several subcategories within omorashi that vary quite a great deal. What you experienced was omorashi yagai, which is wetting oneself outdoors through clothing. Had she removed her bikini bottoms to publicly urinate, it would have been called yagai hōnyō. There is also another subcategory called “Nappies” or omutsu omorashi, where the person pees in a diaper. I suppose it’s less “nappie” that way.

Human sexuality is as vast as human imagination – so no, you’re not weird.  Well, except for maybe the vagisil part, but I’m hoping that happened when you were young and overwrought with uncontrollable teenage hormones. Also, I can’t resist pointing out the irony of how your sudden interest and turn on from all of this, came about after discussing your love for watermelon. That JUICY FRUIT really did move ya!

I don’t think this will necessarily develop into a toilet cam fetish. Fetishes will only develop in unhealthy ways if you allow them to, kind of like alcoholism, religious fanaticism, or cocaine abuse – moderation is key. Just be sure to do lots of other stuff in your sex life that turns you on too. Sex is a life-long fantastic voyage so keep exploring and keep evolving. Variety is the spice of life; cayenne pepper tastes good on watermelon, but it’s also bomb on some chicken too.

Yes, there really is a difference between peeing and squirting. Female ejaculation is fluid from the skene’s glands (named after Alexander Skene), or female prostate, that builds up in the urethral sponge, internally near the glans of the clitoris and the urethra. (I’ll refrain from using “g-spot” here, and save my views on the g-spot for another time). Like the fluid made by the male prostate, this liquid is made up of glucose. If you excite her in ways that drive her wild, especially for an extended period of time, more and more of that fluid will build. Some women produce and build up more fluid than others, some quicker than others. Some women can squirt, some cannot.

I do not know how many people share your inkling for a tinkling, but hey – at least you’re not into the two girls one cup thing. It’s good to know what you like, what turns you on, and have that keen sense of self-awareness even throughout your ever evolving kinks. Remember, if you don’t accept yourself, who will?

Love Always,

Ms. M.


Dear Ms. M.,

I am a high-end professional companion who specializes in S&M/dominatrix, prostate massage, and strap-on sex. I love what I do, it turns me on, fulfils me, and the honest truth is, I couldn’t be happier. I do not post pictures of my face on my website, only pictures of my body in costume, with face blurred out.

I’ve never had a problem in my profession until now. I recently received an email from a man who was dying to be fisted. We corresponded back and forth a couple of times before I realized he was my sister’s husband. He used his real name and the same email address our entire family has for him, which I would have noticed sooner had I been on my personal email. He also had no problem admitting he was married. To make matters worse, they just had their second child together about a month ago. My entire family idolizes them as the perfect couple, and they even give me grief about why I haven’t found a good man yet like my sister. Should I tell my sister and risk her telling my entire family about my secret life? I am so angry with him for betraying her.

-Madame Honey

Dear Madame Honey Poo-Poo,

This sounds like DOUBLE TROUBLE! First of all, in your line work, I am positive you see many married men on the regular whether you know it or not. When a prospective client’s wife happens to be your sister, yeah – total bummer. I hate to say it, but you cannot break this news to your sister. Let her live in the façade of the perfect family life for now. With his carelessness, she will eventually stumble upon an email, see a text, or figure it out for herself … especially when she’s doing laundry and sees the poop stains from a fisting episode; most straight men don’t know about douching before something like that anyway. Blowing up his spot (no pun intended) will only blow up your spot, and you said yourself, you’re really happy and fulfilled with what you do. There’s no need for your family and everyone else to know your business. What good will telling do? Break-up her happy family, and in the end, the finger will be pointed less at him and more back at you. Everyone will deem you as the bad guy. As mother Mary said, or in this case Ms. M., speaking words of wisdom – let it be.


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The ABC’s of Kinky Sex

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When I was in high school, my gay best friend (GBF) moved in with me because he was kicked out of his house when he came out of the closet. Side note: Friends coined me the “Harriet Tubman of Homos,” because I’ve been bringin’ ‘em out since way back then. But the reality is, I’ve always loved and accepted people, regardless of sexuality – which sadly, is more than some parents can say.

The first night my GBF settled in at my pad, we decided to drive from our suburb into Atlanta to see a drag show at the Armory. As soon as we sat down with our vodka tonics, GBF looked up to see a familiar face walk through the door. Nearly spitting his drink out while simultaneously squealing with laughter, he finally explained the familiar face was the priest who had confirmed him several years prior. His Holiness was wearing a rainbow flag t-shirt, and proudly holding the hand of a man wearing a yamaka.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a gay bar … for real.

The show opened with a Lords of Acid song called Pussy, performed by a pathetic excuse of a drag queen I later nicknamed Shanita Quit. As the next song began (the one featured below), the next Honey Boo Boo-esque queen on deck approached me, grabbed my head, and forced it on her crotch to mime a blow job. I’m positive she was cursing me backstage after her performance because she smeared my make-up all over her black leotard in the process. I guess you could say I learned my ABC’s of Kinky Sex in high school.

I hope you enjoy this kinky cartoon video montage.


Oh how happy you will be once I teach you my ABC

A is for asphyxiation you won’t catch your breath
B is for the blindfold that keeps you dark as death
C is for your cockroach that I squash beneath my shoe, while I watch you wiggle and laugh at you
D is for my dildo that you will learn to blow
E is for your enema, I control the flow
F is for my flogger, I whip you so violent
G is for the gag in place to keep your screaming silent
H is for humiliation that you must bear
I will immobilize you in my sexual lair
J is for your jizzy, jerking tendency
K for kisses
L for love, and licks you offer me
M is for the manacles imprisoned in your feet
N is for your nelly little nimby so sweet
O is for the O-rings holding you in place
P is for the perspiration dripping down your face
Q is for the quirt I use to whip your eager ass
R is for restraints to make the magic last
S is for sweet suffering that only you will know
T is for the torment that keeps you on the go
U is for unbridled lust that only I control, as I claim for my own your body, mind and soul
V is for the vicious urge to struggle in vain, while I tease and tantalize you and eroticize your pain
W is where the wily woman walks
X is for excruciating X rated talk
Y is you’re the yo yo I yank upon your string, watch you yell and holler with all the pleasure that it brings
Z is for the zestfulness with which you will submit,

Now I’ve taught you every letter so remember all of it!

Twinkle twinkle little slut, now I spank your naughty butt
Once I’ve warmed it you will cry, and I’ll wipe your teary eye
Don’t forget the lessons learned or your rumpsticks will be burned.

A-B-C you and me
K-I-N-K spells S-E-X
ABC’s of S-E-X
F-U-N spells K-I-N-K

Ba ba black sheep in my school,
You’ll be shorn of all your wool.
A lesson in submission another in pain,
After graduation things will never be the same.
You’ll become my grumbling fool,
Drowning in a puddle of your own drool.

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Men Who Shame Women, Sexuality, Parenting, and Bukkake

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Follow me on facialbook and clitter! _______________________________________________________________________

Dear Ms. M.,

I started dating a guy three weeks ago and things have been moving very quickly. We have spent nearly every single night together since we met. Last weekend he demanded I make a timeline of people I’ve hooked-up with, naming who and when. I thought it was ridiculous but we were really intoxicated.  I just wrote something down even though I really don’t keep a running tally fresh in my mind to recite off the top of my head. I’m 23, and lost my virginity at 16. I hooked-up a lot in college but I take pride that I’ve always been safe. He’s 32. After I made the timeline, that night for the first time he started calling me whore, slut, and dirty during sex.  He had never done that before. It shocked me and made me super uncomfortable. Needless to say I didn’t climax. Two days later when we were intoxicated again, he started drilling me on the timeline, I guess to test me to see if what I said matched what I wrote. Some of it didn’t coincide so he got really mad. I asked him if he had memorized my timeline or something, then told him he should make one too. He said that it didn’t matter for him because he is a guy. I’m having second thoughts even though I’ve already started falling for him. Other than this incident he seems like a good guy. He has a good job, nice apartment, a Porsche, and went to Yale undergrad and Harvard Law. He’s also shown signs of jealousy toward my friends, even my girlfriends and guy friends who are gay. My friends don’t like him except for the fact he always picks up the tab when we’re out. What do you think?

-Second Thoughts

Honey, don’t walk, RUN from this a-hole. You will never find fulfillment or equality of any kind in this relationship if he lives by and accepts the double standards of society. Let me guess, he has a small penis too? I am hearing an insecure little boy from what you describe. The only way he can feel empowered and secure in this relationship is to make you feel embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. It’s the first step to gaining control of you – tearing you and your ego down – and what an awful way to do it too by dissecting your sexuality and your past. You should be proud of what you’ve been through, good and bad. It’s made you the woman you are. Showing signs of jealousy toward your friends is another red flag that he’s a control monster.

This is the start of a co-dependent unhealthy relationship. Leave while you still can. If you want to be that superficial dumb girl who gets with and stays with a guy for the wrong reasons (he looks good on paper – Harvard, Yale, job, Porsche), then this is your learning experience and I pray it doesn’t side swipe your life and leave you to wake up in 10 years wondering where you lost yourself. It sounds like underneath the surface, this guy has some serious issues that he will try to project onto you rather than deal with himself. Do you know how easy it is to “fall” for someone in three weeks? You need to jam pack a week of hanging with your gals and gays. Start dating other people PRONTO to distract you from this pathetic excuse of a man. You don’t need to be settling down at 23 anyway. If you spent this time and energy becoming successful in your own career, it wouldn’t matter that he was picking up the tab, and you sure as hell wouldn’t be putting up with a man who gets off on shaming women. You see the red flags, so stop acting dumb and get it together, girl. You know what to do. 

-Ms. M.


Dear Ms. M.,

My brother and I both look at porn on our family desktop in the office because neither of us have our own computers. I’m 17 and he’s 16. I only know my bro looks at it because I see the history and he locks the door when he’s in there.  I’m certain my parents know for the same reason. The other day I was just curious so I looked at some gay porn. The next day my dad sat us both down to talk about it. I was embarrassed he brought it up in front of my brother. It was like he was trying to figure out which one of us was looking at it. It was like looking at gay porn was wrong but hetero porn was fine. My uncle is gay and fully accepted by our family so I don’t get what the big deal is but it still made me embarrassed and ashamed. The thing is I’m not sure if I’m gay. I’ve always had crushes on girls and dated girls but I also feel really excited when I look at gay porn. Do you think I’m gay?

Darling, I can look at tranny or midget porn and feel my clit swell sometimes. Ain’t no thang! Just because you look at something and become turned on by it, it does not define who you are sexually, nor does it define your sexuality. In fact, it means you’re an empathetic being, which is a very beautiful thing. How great it is that you’re open enough to understand sexual energy between human beings – not just a man and a woman. It’s sad your parents don’t see it this way.

I cannot tell you if you’re gay, but I can tell you that sexuality is not just a label – gay, bi, or straight. It’s more a spectrum of colors in between all of those labels, that can change and shift throughout your life. As you move to matters beyond porn, continue your openness and experiment. You never know what flavor of ice cream is your favorite, and with which toppings, until you try all the combinations, right? If it turns out you do like both men and women, then look at the bright side – at least you have a lot more potential people to fall in love with. You’re a sexual being, and that makes you perfectly normal and healthy. That’s really all that matters!

Don’t worry about your parents. They probably just need to get laid more than on their anniversary and birthdays. Do me a favor though, will you? Don’t let them make you feel ashamed, and don’t allow shame or guilt to build a prison in your mind; that will only hurt you in the long run. Look at what you wish online. Use your imagination sometimes without porn too. Enjoy yourself. And if they give you any more sh*t, leave this page for them to find as the last viewed in your computer history.

Love Always,

Ms. M.



I was a single dad raising my 15 year old son for 10 years before I married last month. She and my son adjusted to living with each other well up until now. She was taking the laundry upstairs when she walked into his room and caught him jerking off to explicit porn. She didn’t wait until I was home from work to discuss it with me. She told him right then and there he was disgusting and filthy and she didn’t want that going on in her house. Then she grounded him for two weeks. When she relayed to me what she said to him and the punishment, my heart sank. I didn’t agree, but I didn’t want to cause more problems in the house. I’ve kept my mouth shut to keep the peace. However, I don’t want my son to feel like what he did was wrong or that he is filthy or disgusting. I worked hard facilitating an open honest relationship with him so he could come to me about anything, but he hasn’t mentioned this. Should I say something to him?

-Worried Dad

Someone needs to slap you up side your head, Pussy Worried Dad. First of all, what kind of example are you setting to your son if you let this woman come into your house and take over, making punishments without consulting you, and declaring it her house? It was yours and your son’s house before she ever came into the picture. What you’re telling me is that you’re in a relationship where your wife makes important decisions that impact your son without communicating or consulting with you first. Therefore, I hope she’s blowing you multiple times a day, rimming you, and rubbing your feet. Let me ask you this: Do you really want him to follow in your footsteps and marry a control freak of a woman, who makes him keep his mouth shut just to keep the peace – even at the sacrifice of his own children?

You need to grow a pair and set some boundaries for your new wife if this household thing is going to work. The first one should be to have the common decency and courtesy to knock on your teenage son’s door. Have a stern talk with her to ensure she knows that before she reacts with punishment or passing judgement on your son, it needs to be discussed with you first. And absolutely no name calling (filthy, disgusting)! Explain to her that what he did was not filthy or disgusting, and it’s very much a part of normal teenage sexuality. You also need to convince your wife to apologize to your son. She disrespected his space by entering his room without knocking, and then called him names.

I can’t resist mentioning, that if she thinks jerking off to porn is filthy, I wonder how boring your sex life must be?

Regarding your son, yes you absolutely need to talk to him and assure him that what he did was not wrong, not filthy, and not disgusting. Un-ground him. This could have serious implications as an imprint on his sexuality, so the sooner you attempt to reverse it, the better. You may also want to consider getting him a lock for his bedroom door. Here’s a script to try:

“Hey Buddy. I know about what happened, and I don’t agree with what she said or how she reacted whatsoever. I’m sorry she said what she did, and I want you to know that jerking off to porn is totally normal, especially at your age. I did it with my dad’s playboys – if we had only had internet porn back then! One thing I can tell you from an old man’s perspective, it’s good sometimes to lay off the porn and just try to use your imagination. It maintains a good balance. Masturbating is definitely not filthy or disgusting; I think she just reacted inappropriately because it startled her. I want to assure you, I’ve spoken with her, and she has promised not to barge into your room like that anymore without knocking first. It’s important you feel comfortable and safe enough to enjoy yourself in the privacy of your own room in our house. I’m proud of you for taking matters into your own hands, Son! … ”

Then maybe you can share a funny awkward story of something you went through – the time you lost your virginity, or maybe a time when you were walked in on too. This is an opportunity for you to build a bond as friends because he’s getting to an age where having some basis of friendship is just as important as him having respect for you as a parent. You want to maintain that trust. You also don’t want him to loose respect for you because you don’t have the balls to stand up to your wife. Be as empathetic as possible and relate to him; he needs to know you have his back. Whatever you do, don’t pussy out and defend her actions and prudish words. Your wife is the one who is in the wrong here, and by you not standing up to her, you’re equally as wrong.

Best of Luck,

Ms. M.


Ms. M.,

I am an open-minded girlfriend and I’m cool with the fact my boyfriend watches a lot of porn.  He once told me he goes through phases of what he likes to watch.  Yesterday I decided to ask him what his favorite porn du jour was.  He said boo cockey. I played along like I knew what he was talking about but when I looked it up on urban dictionary all I found was   It doesn’t make sense to me unless he likes seeing girls scream in a high pitch maybe?

-Curious Cool Girlfriend

Dear CCG,

Girrrrrrrrl, I hope you like facials … and not the kind from Elizabeth Arden. He wasn’t talking about a high-pitched yell, or a circle jerk with firemen covered in ashes. You just misspelled it. He was talking about bukkake, derived from the oh-so-sexually-different Japanese culture. It’s when multiple men jizz all over a girl’s face. A bukkake party can sometimes have hundreds of men. Here’s a look, and here’s another. And remember, just because he’s beatin’ his meat to it, doesn’t mean he wants you to be that girl in the center of a bukkake party. But you could play nice, surprise him with a blow job on your knees, look up at him like an innocent little girl, then pull him out of your mouth and let him spray all over your face. After all, sperm has 80% of our daily intake of vitamin C, so it’s great for your skin. Oh, and one last thing – you might want to wear glasses. If you get it in your eyes, it can sometimes burn and leave them looking bloodshot. ; ) Happy Spa Day!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go masturbate.


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Dear Ms. M,

I’m trying to get over a vicious breakup with my boyfriend. Should I go to a swinger club and have a random hookup/threesome? It’s something I’ve fantasized about and they say the best way to get over someone…

-Miss Hurt and Horny

Dear Miss Hurt and Horny,

Are you doing this threesome swinger club thing in the least bit out of spite? If so, I wouldn’t do it. Do you think this vicious breakup is a part of the on-and-off cycle, or is it over for good … for sure? If it could possibly be back on, I wouldn’t do it.

There are definitely situations where getting under someone is the start to getting over someone else, or as the band Peaches puts it, “F*ck the pain away.” However, I can tell you from personal experience, not all fantasies turn out the way we expect or imagine.

You could luck out and meet hot couples at the swing club, but that is so not typical. Chances are, the expectations of what you’ve imagined won’t be met, and you’ll find yourself feeling a void the next day, one that may only seem to be refilled by that vicious ex-boyfriend you should totally steer clear of. But then again, slim chance you might get lucky. It’s a gamble.

I’d advise to experiment and act out fantasies because you’re ready – not reactionary. Be patient and premeditate ways for a more favorable outcome. See if there are any private exclusive swing parties that screen people first. You could also post a few adds on hook-up websites, initiate conversations to gauge compatibility, and then meet for a drink in public before committing to anything. In other words, do your homework. It’s better to wait for the odds of a good experience than having a bad one. Just going out and doing it when you’re emotionally vulnerable will likely leave you more emotionally vulnerable the next day.

In the meantime, jam-pack your schedule to stay busy and forget this f*cker! There are so many other fun crazy things you can do to expel your angst and energy (like peeing in a taxi). Use your imagination … just don’t get arrested.

At the end of the day, you know yourself better than I do. If you think you’re ready to jump into that threesome at a swing club (for you and not out of spite), then do it. Just be aware, be safe, and don’t knock it if it doesn’t go well the first time you try it.

Best of Luck,

Ms. M.

P.S.  Here’s the above referenced Peaches song, F*ck the Pain Away.  Dancing releases feel-good endorphins that will boost your spirits.  Get to dancing!


Hello Ms. M.,

I know this is going to sound really awful but I need your help. I was 14 when my adoptive mother died. After her death, my adoptive father and I began a sexual relationship. I think it was how we both dealt with it. He took my virginity when I was 15 and the relationship has since continued. I’m now 24. I have struggled with the morality of it for many years, but we aren’t technically blood related. I don’t have romantic feelings for my dad, just sexual. Two and a half months ago I started dating a super great guy. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with him. I’m scared I will devastate my father if I end our sexual relationship or if he even knows I have a boyfriend. Help.


Dear Confused,

You refer to him as “father” and “dad” in your email, so that trumps whether or not you’re related by blood. Adopted or not, it was extremely wrong of your father to do that to you and rob you of your innocence and your own self-discovery. Now you’re grown and left in a very painful and unfair predicament.

While your father may have left a deep imprint on your sexuality and feminine identity – in addition to taking advantage of you – you’re a grown woman now. It’s time to take responsibility for your own choices and your own life. If your father were any other f*ck buddy you didn’t have romantic feelings for, and then you started falling in love with someone else, I would advise you to end it with the f*ck buddy. 

You MUST end this relationship with your father. Sure it might hurt him and it might even be painful for you, but you will never be able to have a happy healthy relationship with any other man (or yourself for that matter) until you end this one. MAKE THE BREAK! It’s time to move forward with your life. Keep in mind you’re going to go through a healing and learning process once you’ve ended it, probably re-processing all that has happened to you.  Have patience and be compassionate toward yourself. Find a good therapist to help you through the process. Remember, the right thing to do is usually not the easiest. My thoughts and love are with you.

Love Always,

Ms. M.


Ms. M.,

I’m gay and recently started hooking up with a hot couple.  They are both tops for the most part so I take turns with them and love all the action I’m getting.  They have been together several years so they don’t use condoms with each other but I still require that they do when they’re with me.  I’ve always had a fantasy of being double penetrated and we’ve talked about it.  They proposed both wearing the same condom to do it butt I’m afraid it will break.  Suggestions?


P.S. I love all the gay friendly stuff you post!

Dearest Bottomless,

Thank you, Darling!  Five gold stars for being so adamant about using condoms!  Try a much bigger female condom for the both of them.  That should hopefully solve the problem. 


Ms. M.


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