MoSEX | Blog
meta description test
blog,paged,paged-4,ajax_fade,page_not_loaded,,select-theme-ver-1.7.1,wpb-js-composer js-comp-ver-4.3.5,vc_responsive

Transgendered Feminism // THIS BOY IS A BOTTOM

There’s all this talk in the world of “feminism” about whether or not transgendered ladies should be allowed to be included in the “movement.”

I’ll be honest. For most of my life, I’ve really hated the word feminism; its connotation always felt as dark and dirty as a rectal prolapse. I grew up in a time when feminists seemed to be anti-porn, men-hating, penis-hating, unsexy, unFEMININE women I just assumed really needed to cum. I considered the feminist movement similar to the Black Panthers, fighting on the extreme side of the pendulum, which perhaps at the time, may have been necessary in some ways to tear into the unjust world of inequality. But as we evolve to a place closer toward the middle, closer to a place of balance, it’s time to rethink and re-frame what this word and movement really mean. As many of my modern day contemporaries have suggested, if you’re a woman enjoying the right to vote, work, drive, and to not be sold or treated like property, you’re automatically a feminist. So, if I’m going to accept and swallow that word as part of my existence as a woman, much less be a part of any type of movement, it needs new definition and connotation: equality. That’s all any of us want at the end of the day. Is it not? We’re not completely there yet; I acknowledge there is still more work to be done. But it’s frustrating and sad so many other women have TAINTed the word feminism. The modern ideal and definition of it should simply be equality.

Therefore, shouldn’t we all be working to help transgendered folks achieve equality too? Isn’t being compassionate at the heart of our feminine energy?

So why on earth are these antiquated so-called “feminists” being all anti-transgendered? Most trannies can do hair and make-up better than I can. And guess what? I had a vintage Chanel dress I wore on New Year’s Eve that I was determined to wear. But my boobs wouldn’t fit it. And you know who taught me how to make them fit … how to make them WERQ!? A TRANNY! Yes, SHE helped me accentuate one of the most glorious wonderful parts of being a woman better than any of my born-female fashion designer friends could. (To see how I gave myself the best cheapest fake boob job ever, read here.) For the record, I love and accept my itty bitty titties—I just loved the dress too.

As Caitlin Moran, author of How To Be A Woman, is quoted in this article,

“I think the relationship between feminism and transgender women should be absolutely sympathetic, arms-slung-around-shoulders and all-on-the-same-side. We’re all gunning for the same thing — equality, feeling comfortable in our own skin, not automatically cringing or feeling unworthy or ‘other.'”

So to my trannies, my gays, my bi-sexuals, my heteros, my a-sexuals, my crossdressers, my men, my women, my hermaphrodites, my tops, my bottoms (whose assholes may or may not be “medium rare”), my versatiles, my BDSM hommies, my subs and doms, my ladies who love strap-ons and the men that love them (and butt plugs): I offer you unconditional love and acceptance. It’s your life and you only get one, so live it like it motherf*cking counts!

Now it’s time to jam out to this gem!!!


Have a question or comment? Email:

Follow me on Twitter or Facebook.

So They Can Know

Help make sex more awesome for everyone and eradicate STDs.

So They Can Know is a website designed to help people who’ve been diagnosed with STDs notify their partners. Users of the website can access information on how to talk to their partners themselves or watch videos that model STD notification conversations. The website also allows users to send anonymous notification emails to sexual partners that they wouldn’t otherwise tell. These emails are sent by the website and let partners know what they need to get tested for, provide some basic information about the STD, and link recipients back to So They Can Know to find a clinic or doctor who will test them.

There are 19 million new STD cases each year in the US. Nearly half of these, or 9.1 million, occur among 15-24 year olds. Many infected individuals do not have symptoms, do not get tested and treated, and unknowingly spread the STD to their sexual partners. Partner notification, in which the sexual partners of STD patients are notified of their potential STD exposure, is one of the most effective ways to address this public health problem. However, only 23% of at-risk partners are ever notified.

With your help, So They Can Know can remain a free service for the next year and provide free promotional materials to STD and family planning clinics to give out to their patients. This will ensure that there will be more people notifying their partners, more partners getting tested and treated, and fewer people spreading STDs.


Jessica Ladd presents So They Can Know at TEDxMidAtlantic in DC:

About Sexual Health Innovations
Sexual Health Innovations (SHI) is a nonprofit organization that has created and is maintaining So They Can Know. Their mission is to improve the sexual health of Americans by promoting more effective use of technology and to achieve this by creating effective new technology products, conducting high-quality research, and advising non-profit and governmental organizations on how to better use technology to improve health. Jessica Ladd and Jenny McManus are the two leaders of the So They Can Know initiative with long-standing commitments to sexual health. For more information, visit


The Anti-Sex Trafficking Movement is Batshit Crazy

Writer Melissa Gira- Grant explains in 3,671 words why the anti-sex trafficking movement is batshit crazy.

She points fingers at celebrity feminists Gloria Steinem and Norma Ramos, New York Times op-ed columnist Nick Kristoff,  and Warren Buffett’s NoVo Foundation for waging a war on sex workers, ironically in the name of feminism. (Steinem has gone so far as to condemn HIV prevention programs in Calcutta’s red light district as supporting sex trafficking.) Gira Grant unpacks how the mentality that “prostitution is paid rape” harms more women than it helps in this must-read for anyone purporting to care about the anti-sex trafficking issue.

Excerpts from The War on Sex Workers: An unholy alliance of feminists, cops, and conservatives hurts women in the name of defending their rights, published in the February 2013 issue of Reason Magazine:


Not all people who do sex work are women, but women disproportionately suffer the stigma, discrimination, and violence against sex workers. The result is a war on women that is nearly imperceptible, unless you are involved in the sex trade yourself. This war is spearheaded and defended largely by other women: a coalition of feminists, conservatives, and even some human rights activists who subject sex workers to poverty, violence, and imprisonment—all in the name of defending women’s rights.

[In early 2012,]  feminist icon Gloria Steinem held court in the brothels of India as part of a humanitarian junket sponsored by the NoVo Foundation, one of the largest private women’s charities in the United States. NoVo’s money is Warren Buffett’s money: $1 billion, transferred by the second wealthiest American to his son Peter, who chairs the effort along with his wife, Jennifer. Steinem accompanied Peter and Jennifer Buffett on a tour of Sonagachi, Calcutta’s biggest red light district. Steinem came away from her visit with an astounding proposal: What would really benefit the women who worked there—whom she described to the Calcutta Telegraph as “prostituted,” characterizing their condition as “slavery”—would be to end sexual health services and peer education programs in brothels, programs that have been recognized by the United States Agency for International Development as best-practices HIV/AIDS interventions. Steinem described the women leading those health and education programs as “traffickers” and those who support them “the trafficking lobby.”

How have we arrived at this point, that in the name of “protecting” women, or even ensuring their “rights,” feminists are eager to take away their jobs and health care? Ramos, Steinem, and their allies deliberately conflate sex work and what they now call “sex trafficking” for their own reasons, not to advance the rights of sex workers. The result is—or should be—an international scandal.

On the domestic front, anti−sex work activists scored one of their biggest wins with the 2005 reauthorization of the Trafficking Victims Protection Act (TVPRA). TVPRA earmarked $50 million for law enforcement agencies to “develop and execute programs targeted at reducing male demand and to investigate and prosecute buyers of commercial sex acts.” Although ostensibly aimed at supporting victims of forced labor, TVPRA provides money for efforts to discourage men from hiring sex workers, including quasi-legal and legal activities such as escorting, pornography, stripping, and phone sex, as well as for investigating the people they attempt to hire. Although nearly all prostitution-related law in the United States is made at the state or municipal level, redefining prostitution as trafficking provides a rationale for federal action against the sex trade.

Meanwhile, legislators in many states have responded to the demands of feminist activists by boosting penalties for prostitution-related offenses and prioritizing enforcement.

An article in the August issue of Marie Claire follows Andrea Powell, executive director of Free Aware Inspired Restored (FAIR) Girls, as she trolls Backpage for classified sex ads she suspects were placed by or for minors: “Putting in an earbud and picking up her pink-and-black Kate Spade-encased iPhone to dial a local police officer, Powell says urgently, ‘We have to report her now.’ ” But when the cops set up a sting operation against the advertiser, the story continues, “she said she was in fact an adult—and didn’t want help from the police or anyone else.”

Some activists view calling the cops to “rescue” people from the sex trade as the model of a successful human rights intervention. They don’t count their victories by the number of people they help; they count them by arrests.

Sex workers bear the brunt of this coalition’s preference for using law enforcement to protect women’s rights…. A 2012 examination of prostitution-related felonies in Chicago conducted by the Chicago Reporter revealed that of 1,266 convictions during the past four years, 97 percent of the charges were made against sex workers, with a 68 percent increase between 2008 and 2011.

It is not sex work that exposes sex workers to violence; it is our willingness to abandon sex workers to violence in an attempt to control their behavior. Prohibition makes prostitution more dangerous than it would otherwise be by pushing it underground and stripping sex workers of legal protection. The fight over that policy is about more than just strains between generations of feminism. It is about an unholy marriage of feminism with the conservatism and police power that many feminists claim to stand against.

If we are going to call attacks on reproductive and sexual rights a “war on women,” then let’s talk about a war on women that has actual prisoners and a body count. It’s a war on the women engaged in sex work, waged by women who will not hesitate to use their opponents’ corpses as political props but refuse to listen to them while they are still alive and still here to fight.


Read The War on Sex Workers: An unholy alliance of feminists, cops, and conservatives hurts women in the name of defending their rights on, and follow Melissa Gira Grant @melissagira on Twitter. 


Additional reading:

Some Feminists Are Wrongfully Fighting Against Sex Workers, by Katie J.M. Baker for

Sex Trafficking on Much Ado About (Statistically) Nothing, by MoSex co-editor Julie Ruvolo for

What Anti-Trafficking Advocates Can Learn from Sex Workers: The Dynamics of Choice, Circumstance, and Coercion, by Microsoft Research’s Danah Boyd


Featured image from Some Feminists Are Wrongfully Fighting Against Sex Workers, on

Double Standards: Feminism 2013

I want to be this girl’s new BFF! Not only is she hilarious, but she speaks TRUTH!


Listen here! It’s my body and I feel no shame for what I like to do with it! If you need to judge me to make yourself feel better, that just proves your own inability to be comfortable with sex. Your judgement of me is YOUR problem, not mine.

“I’ll suck a dick if I want to and you’re going to respect me … or I’ll cut off yours.”


Follow me, Ms. M. on Facebook or Twitter.

Have a question or comment? Email me:

Thanks to @_RickyMinaj and @LatinFireKrzy1



In this issue: Our most popular video posts of 2012

Friends with Benefits is a bi-weekly newsletter MoSex publishes to keep you up on your sex news and send you invites and deals just for friends of the Museum.

In this issue:

  1. Boyfriend – Like My Hand Did
  2. Love Match
  3. Fuck Bike #001
  4. Geometric pornToo hot for the App Store
  5. Iggy Azalea – PU$$Y
  6. Jennifer Rubell’s Nutcracker at Frieze New York
  7. China news confuses rubber vagina/anus for special mushroom 
  8. The Aikiu – Pieces of Gold
  9. Yeah Just ThereNot too hot for the App Store
  10. Awkwafina – My Vag


Check out this issue here, and sign up here so you don’t miss the next one.


Featured image: Screenshot from Boyfriend’s Like My Hand Did

Pencil Dicks Short Vaginas, Herpes, and Sugar Daddy Issues

Follow me on Facialbook or Twitter my Clitter!

Have a question for me? Email:


Dear Ms. M.,

This is maybe a little tamer than the questions you usually get. I am a young, 19 year old guy who has been having problems with fit recently. When I first lost my virginity at 16 there were no problems, but with each consecutive girl I have had sex with, I have a harder time getting it to fit in. I have slept with four girls in total now. I think maybe I have just grown down below since I was 16, but maybe I am just doing something wrong. It is more of a depth problem than width usually, and even with lube and lots of foreplay, for the girls it isn’t solved. It is really frustrating not to be able to go all the way in and I was wondering what could help fix this. It is stopping me from enjoying sex as much, especially since the girls find it painful, and having my partner enjoy it is paramount to my own enjoyment as well. As young teenager I never would have thought that I would have wanted a shorter penis; I don’t even think mine is that big (actually I am quite sure). Is it possible these girls just have short vaginas? Is this a common problem? Anything you can tell me would be useful, thanks!

-In Too Deep

P.S.: Not sure if this is inappropriate to include, but my penis is only 18cm (about 7 inches) in length.


I am very pleased to hear you are using lube and engaging in lots of foreplay. I am even more impressed to hear that having your partner enjoy it is paramount to your own enjoyment. You are a wonderful example of a sexually conscious evolved male. Kudos!

When I read your email, I was reminded of a guy I used to date nicknamed Tripod, because basically, it was like a third leg. We didn’t need lube (I get very wet naturally on my own), but he always spent a good 30+ minutes on foreplay. When he did finally penetrate me, I was so eager and hungry for him, he would basically stay still and I would grind my way to greater and greater depths. He was 11+ inches. Only once after a three-day trip we took together, did I feel sore from all the sex.

That being said, I’ve also had sex with guys much smaller than Tripod and smaller than you, yet some of them had this notion that pounding me hard, fast, and forcefully was the way to magically and instantly make me cum. So you see, it’s not necessarily the size of your cock, but how you work it.

Consider the motion in the ocean. Are you going bang bang bang, hammering away? Or, are you slowly entering her, teasing her, and listening to her body? Are you allowing her to suck you inside of her between her legs, because she’s so hungry for it, she needs it? Or are you pounding her?

Hardcore porn tends to teach younger guys the wrong way to do it. Sport sex can be fun on occasion, but remember, porn stars are PAID TO ACT like they’re into it; it’s not a fine example of how to truly please a woman. Go in slow motion, to where you’re driving yourself crazy. Try not to stick the whole thing in there in one big jabbing force.

You can also try switching up the angles. Let her be on top and be the one in control. Or, if you’re on top, go inside of her, then put her legs together and your legs around the outside of her legs. You can also try putting a pillow under her bum to vary the angle.

More importantly, remember you’re only at the beginning of your sexual pilgrimage. If you’re having sex with girls your age, they are likely as new to sex as you are. Odds are, they don’t know what they’re doing yet. Keep trying: patience, perseverance, and practice are key ingredients. Maybe hook-up with an older or more experienced gal who can give you more relevant honest feedback.

Good Luck,

Ms. M.


Ms. M.,

I found Valtrex in my boyfriend’s bathroom cabinet and his name was on the prescription label. When we started having sex, he swore to me he didn’t have anything so we’ve been having sex unprotected for nearly six months now. I’m so pissed I want to kill him, and definitely considering breaking up. A friend said I probably will not get herpes so long as we don’t have sex when he has a visible sore. Is this true or do you think I have already gotten herpes? I’m so mad he lied and didn’t tell me.

-Betrayed In Boston

Hold your horses there, Betrayed. You’re jumping to conclusions and living in the heat of emotion. You haven’t even communicated with your partner about this find, yet you feel your relationship is at a level where it’s okay to have unprotected sex regularly—doesn’t add up.

If you were in a great relationship, you would calmly and coolly explain you were searching for Advil or toilet paper or toothpaste and noticed the bottle of Valtrex with his name on it. Then you would ask, “Is there something I should know? Are you okay?”

He hasn’t necessarily lied. Valtrex is used to treat alpha-herpes viruses, including herpes simplex viruses 1 & 2 (what you’re worried about), plus varicella zoster virus, which causes chicken pox and shingles. So basically, it’s possible he has Valtrex because he had a bad case of shingles, which is not an STD. While they all may be of the same viral family, it’s important you remember the varicella zoster virus that causes shingles does not and will not cause herpes.

If he does have herpes, then yes, it’s possible you have contracted it. It’s a virus that stays dormant in the body, so until you get your first outbreak, you won’t show any symptoms and you can still possibly infect partners. If you have no symptoms but would like to know if you have contracted the virus, you can opt to take a blood test or an antibody test.  Here’s some information on test types, so you can determine which might be best for you.

If you do in fact have the virus, it doesn’t necessarily mean he was the one who gave it to you. In the USA alone, one in four sexually active women and one in five sexually active men have herpes. Additionally, among the estimated 50 million Americans who have genital herpes, 90% don’t know they have the disease. One last thing while we’re on the topic: those blisters on people’s mouths everyone calls “cold sores” are actually herpes simplex type 1. Don’t let them fool you!

-Ms. M.


Dear Ms. M.,

I have been in a relationship with a man who started out as my sugar daddy. He pays my rent and all my college expenses and gives me spending money. We go out to nice restaurants and also have occasional threesomes with other girls, which I enjoyed until recently. You see, I’ve developed feelings for him I can’t explain. We have a huge age difference and looks wise, it doesn’t make sense. I’m afraid to tell him because if I do, he might end the relationship and cut me off. But at the same time, I hate hearing about his mean nagging wife, their family vacations she organizes, and her redecorating plans of their huge townhouse. I deserve what she has, not her. He also has three kids, so I doubt he will leave his family to be with me. What should I do?

Falling for your sugar daddy is like being a drug dealer and gettin’ high on your own supply. You just don’t do it! You got into this situation for money, and at best a friendship—not love.

Most importantly, you do not deserve what his wife has, you deserve better. You deserve a man who wouldn’t cheat on you if you were his wife (unless you were both cool with an open marriage). You deserve a man, who, when faced with a sexless miserable marriage would communicate, seek therapy, or divorce. That is a real man, one who makes a valiant effort, BUT who is also true to himself. If a man is not true to himself, how could you ever expect he remain true to you or your marriage? You may be thinking he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were his wife, but what about in 20 years when you get old and boring? Men have sugar babies for the same reason dogs lick their balls: because they can. And yet, a lot of them have a profound need for affection, sex, and to feel needed by someone, but ironically don’t have the balls to leave their wives who aren’t fulfilling their needs.

He’s not going to leave his miserable nagging wife. You are selling your long-term self short for some cash and the façade of security; that’s not cool. Personally, I think it’s fine to have a sugar daddy at this point in your life. In fact, the experience will hopefully provide you with some insight to men, bad marriages, and how powerful you can be as a female (see Erotic Capital). But once you’re out of college, it’s imperative you make your own money and provide yourself with security, or you’ll wind up being no different than his wife.

The greatest thing that could come out of a long-term relationship like this, besides the obvious mutually beneficial arrangement, is a profound lasting friendship. One day you may not still have sex and you may not be supported by him financially, but you will hopefully always be able to call each other up and shoot the breeze with ease.

You need to get over your romantic feelings for him. Find another guy, ideally hotter and younger to crush on and distract yourself; have lots of sex with the young stud. Take a small break from the sugar daddy, go on a trip, get your groove back like Stella. But whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, tell your sugar daddy you have feelings for him. It will make life much more complicated for you both. Let it be! He likes being needed, but not being possessed or nagged the way his wife treats him. You are his fun escape from the world; remain so, and remain in your current lifestyle.

You could also consider getting a job and taking out student loans like the rest of American students, but who wants to pay off loans for the rest of their life? Maybe just find another sugar daddy. Affection-starved, sex-starved men in miserable marriages are extremely easy to find. Apparently, there are tons of girls at NYU with them. Screw the expensive costs of college education in this country, and screw the man … oh wait, you are.  ;)

Much Love,

Ms. M.


Follow me on Facialbook or Twitter my Clitter!

Have a question for me? Email:

“You can choose not to get HIV”

Ng Yi-Sheng holds court with “sex and drugs” epidemiologist Elizabeth Pisani on the excellent Wisdom of Whores, her work in Indonesia, fuck culture and the blunt assertion that “HIV is a choice nowadays.”

Ng Yi-Sheng is a Singaporean gay writer and poet and author of SQ21: Singapore Queers in the 21st Century, a documentary on LGBT Singaporeans. This article was originally published on 8/10/12 in, a media platform dedicated to LGBT news and issues in Asia, and republished on the MoSex blog with permission from the author:


Ask Elizabeth Pisani what she does, and she’ll tell you it’s “sex and drugs.” Specifically, she’s an epidemiologist: one of the pioneers of UNAIDS who’s worked on four continents, researching, documenting and trying to control the deadly HIV epidemic.

She’s described her work in The Wisdom of Whores, a rather brilliant book released back in 2008. It’s surprisingly funny: much of it is an eye-popping, deliciously witty account of her time working on HIV in Jakarta, hanging out with warias (Indonesian MTF transgender women), drug injectors, activists and bureaucrats. But it’s not all laughs – the book’s also terribly informative, laying out a series of damning conclusions about what worldwide AIDS organisations are doing wrong, and what could in fact be done to fix things.

Her no-nonsense attitude has got her in trouble a few times. She’s been hounded out of a Presidential press conference in Kenya and nearly been lynched at a public health presentation in New York City. Fortunately, it’s also won her some praise, as when she delivered a highly rated TED talk in 2010.

Currently based in London, the 47-year-old has also embarked on a series of voyages around Indonesia, researching her next book, in which she attempts to identify the “darah merah”, the authentic red blood that binds together the sprawling archipelago nation she loves so much. This is why I had the luck to meet the lady herself at the Makassar (Indonesia) International Writers Festival in June, where she switched effortlessly between English and Bahasa Indonesia on her panels. (She also speaks rather good Mandarin.)

As it turns out, she’s just as awesome a lady in person as she is in writing, and a good deal more potty-mouthed. She doesn’t go easy on gay men, either – she insists that we should hold ourselves accountable for the high rates of HIV prevalent in our communities.

æ: How did you get involved in HIV/AIDS advocacy?

Elizabeth: By mistake, really. I guess I happened to be in New York at an impressionable age. I was in my late teens, and it was the beginning of the AIDS crisis, and I happened to have quite a lot of gay friends, so I was extremely aware of that.

But I went away and I was a journalist and foreign correspondent for several years. And then, for several reasons too boring to relate, I found myself in a school of public health. There I discovered a great interest in the study of diseases. That was in the mid-1990s, and it was just the time when it the extent of the HIV problem in the developing world was becoming obvious. But it was also at a time when HIV was most heavily laden with the prejudices associated with the way it developed in rich countries – “the fags’ disease”, basically. Oh, throw in some junkies and maybe some hookers.

It was a political bloodbath, really, and that made it very, very interesting to me. And so having discovered the joys of epidemiology, I concentrated on this field, and got to hang out in brothels and gay bars, which is never a bad thing to do.

æ: When did you first come to Indonesia?

Elizabeth: I first came to Indonesia because I was posted here as a journalist. That was in the dawn of time, the late ‘80s – that’s giving away my age – and I really loved it.

After I finished studying epidemiology, I went to Geneva [to work in UNAIDS]. With the arrogance of the “newly educated”, I helped them to write “cookbooks” for how to track HIV epidemics and measure risk behaviour. Then I found a job in Indonesia, and those cookbooks I made, I had to take into the real world. And there was a fair clash between the theories and the realities of the field.

æ: Could you tell us about your work there?

Elizabeth: I worked in a US funded program with the Indonesian Ministry of Health to help them to strengthen their HIV surveillance system. So I did the first studies of HIV in gay men and male sex workers and revived a moribund surveillance system in transgender sex workers. I think we were pretty shocked by some of the early results. The first study that we did in transgender sex workers. When I calculated the sample size, [we predicted] 4% HIV prevalence, ad my worst-case scenario in was that it couldn’t be worse than 10%.

I remember going to the lab to pick up the first wave of 250 samples that I sent in [for syphilis and HIV tests]. They had very helpfully colour-coded the results: red was the positives and green was the negatives. And they gave me the sheet, and a quarter of it was red. And I thought, “Fuck me, that is a lot of fucking syphilis.” And then I hold out my hand and asked for the HIV results – and she said, “Those are the HIV results.”

And I cried. I sat down and cried. One and four of transgender sex workers in Jakarta, people whom I’d been having my toenails painted by again and again for the last few months of the study, were HIV-positive. And it was so much worse than our worst expectations.

The reason why we did this study was a leader of the waria (transgender or “third gender”) community, had come in with this proposal for IEC – Information, Education, Communication for transgender sex workers. So when I got the results, I got on my motorbike and went to her salon where she was busy giving somebody big hair. And I said: “Len, here are the results. 1 in 4 is already infected. What do you think?” And she was very, very calm. She was quiet for quite a long time. And she said: “We don’t need an IEC program then, we need a treatment program. We need to help these people.”

æ: What did you do then?

Elizabeth: We set up a clinic as well as a prevention program to care for people already infected. And what was interesting was that it wasn’t just Lenny saying. “We need a treatment program”. Lenny said, “We need to get people together to discuss what we need.” (The transgender community in Indonesia is extremely well-organised. They have these cells and each section has a leader and a hierarchy, so it’s very easy to get community responses going. If the government were as well organised as the waria, this country would be a lot better off.)

So we organised a community meeting for each of the five areas of Jakarta. And I said, “I’ll make a presentation with the data.” And I make this presentation with pie charts and bar charts, and I took it to Lenny, and she just laughed her head off. Instead, we spent a long, long night drawing penises instead of pie charts to show distribution of condom use. We drew 100 penises on a poster and covered 15 of them with condoms to show the condom use. And we drew 100 waria and then coloured in 22 of them at random. (Penises are easy to draw, but waria are not easy to draw.)

And it was very interesting, when we put up our poster. Everybody looked at each other. Everyone was saying, “Yang mana?”, “Which one of us?” I think it was very powerful. We didn’t plan it like that, but everyone was like, “It could be me. Everyone should go and get their test results.”

When research is designed with the community – I hate that fucking word – but when it’s designed with people who are part of the research, when they’re part of the design from the start, you’re much more likely to get results that are meaningful and interpreted correctly. So it was quite a lesson for me. You don’t just make your plans in a vacuum; you actually make them on the basis of the needs of a community.

æ: What trends would you say are taking place in LGBT Asia now?

Elizabeth: I’m very out of date on the data, so I would not put myself out as an expert on this, but what I’ve observed over the last decade or so is that there is a homogenisation of the gay scene in Asia. It’s becoming more and more similar in more and more countries.

Even 10 years ago, there was virtually no gay scene in Beijing. There was something going on in Bangkok, but you didn’t really know what. There was much more obviously a transgender sex worker thing which was much more diverse, but that was a separate story. A gay scene as such was still pretty rare.

But now you could blindfold me and put me in a gay club in almost any major metropolitan area in Asia, and it would take me at least six minutes to figure out where I was – whereas before, you would know where you were in a nanosecond. There’s a homogenisation of behaviours: drugs are becoming more available and common throughout the scene, the music is more universally “doof-doof” – but that was ever thus. And the Internet is being used in much more similar ways as a site for hookups. And I think there’s a much greater similarity with basically the international gay scene that’s American and Australian.

æ: I wouldn’t know. I don’t go clubbing much anymore.

Elizabeth: Shit. I spend more time in gay clubs than you do. The tragedy of my life. Or maybe of yours.

æ: How does this translate into trends in HIV?

Elizabeth: It translates very interestingly. And this your editor will hate, because it isn’t politically correct, but it is epidemiologically correct: HIV comes with gay liberation. HIV comes with the scene. Why did HIV emerge in New York City and San Francisco in the early 1980s? Because gay clubs emerged in New York City and San Francisco in the 1970s.

HIV is not a very infectious virus: it is only very infectious for short periods of time when viral loads are high, and that is principally for six weeks after you first become infected, and then during periods when you have high viral loads associated with other sexually transmitted infections.

What does that mean? That means that HIV only spreads easily in communities where people have more than one partner in that six-week window. So if you’re a gay guy or even an MSM, whatever the fuck that means, and if your sexuality is confined to wet dreams about other guys but never get a chance to exercise that sexuality because you’re sitting in a small town somewhere in central Java or Zhejiang province, or even because you’re sitting in an HDB in Singapore living with your parents and don’t get to go out after 10 o’clock at night, or even if you do get to go out at 10 o’clock at night but there’’s nowhere to go to meet other partners – then HIV isn’t going to get very far.

But as soon as you have a critical mass of people in physical space or in virtual space to have the ability to meet partners and turning over partners, and you have a culture that allows that, you create conditions for the spread of HIV.

That’s the downside of a gay scene – it’s about alcohol, it’s about clubbing culture, it’s about a go out and what the fuck culture; a go out and fuck culture. It’s not the fact that you’re homosexual that increases your risk; it’s not the fact that you have anal sex. It’s the fact that you have sex with a number of partners in a short space of time.

Which is why I don’t buy the MSM thing. I don’t’ care about “pasangan yang setia”, faithful partners among gay men, any more than I care about them among heterosexuals. I do my prevention program among sex workers and young people in the party scene who are getting high and getting laid. I’m not going to the HDBs and banging on doors and telling old married couples that they should be using condoms, and that’s true of homosexuals as well as heterosexuals. And that’s true about the scene.

The problem is that virtual scene, the Internet scene, creates significant difficulties. Because if people are meeting partners in a physical space then I can meet them too. But if people are meeting partners in a virtual space…. I can get a condom into a sauna, into a cruising space, into a bar. But I can’t get a condom onto the Internet.

Now the upside, the part that your editor might like a bit more. The upside of the emergence of a gay identity and the tolerance that allows for gay clubs to exist – the upside is that it does come with a sense of community that also allows for a shared sense of responsibility and a shared sense of caring together about sexual health and all kinds of other things. And it was certainly that sense of community that created the first and to date the most effective response among HIV, which is among gay men in rich countries: the US, Australia, UK, a lot of Europe. Those responses did not come from the government; they did not come from health agencies. They came about from the communities. (That sense of community has diminished in various countries, and so has the HIV response.)

My observation – and you may disagree – my observation in the gay communities in Asia with which I’m familiar, is that that sense of community is not well developed. Basically it’s still at the stage of “Hurrah, finally there’s somewhere I can go to party, get drunk, get laid.”

æ: I’m sure you’ve suffered a lot of flak from your statements.

Elizabeth: It’s kind of a joke, that hate mail thing. My favourite bits are the ones that call me homophobic. Let’s see: my roommate is a gay hooker, 70% of my friends are gay, I never get laid because I do nothing but hang out with gay guys… I’m the world’s biggest fag hag.

But I do think the gay community has got a bit precious. Anything you say against them has become homophobic. And I don’t give a fuck who you screw, but if you do dumb things I’m going to say so. We sometimes have rates of HIV that are 10%, 20% or 30%, even where there is 100% availability of knowledge, 100% availability of condoms. And yet we are not allowed to say that maybe there is something that is wrong in the gay community. That gets censored.

Homophobia cannot transmit a virus. You can do all the whingeing you want, but there comes a point where the community has to look at itself and display some responsibility for its actions. We’ve managed to take personal responsibility out of the equation entirely, because it is strongly negative to say, “Actually, you know what? If you get infected these days, quite often it’s because you did something really dumb.”

æ: But we all do dumb things.

Elizabeth: And what would your life be if you didn’t fod really dumb things? That was how I started my TED talk: “People do stupid things. That’s what spreads HIV.” But I just think we tiptoe around this.

æ: Are there any other HIV myths that you want to clear up?

Elizabeth: There’s something that is a very major concern now, and I don’t know how much of a concern it is in Singapore – probably not much compared to Europe and the US. But there’s this whole belief that treatment is prevention: that because there are drugs out there, drugs lower your viral loads, and therefore if you’re on drugs you’re not going to infect someone else.

Very often now, even in communities where one in three people is infected, people hook up and don’t even discuss HIV and condom use – the logic being that if he’s infected, he’s probably on meds, so he’s not that infectious anyway. But here’s the thing: over 50% of transmission happens within six weeks of someone being infected, when they don’t know they’re infected and they’re certainly not on meds. It’s actually safer to fuck someone who knows they’re HIV-positive and is on meds than to fuck someone who says they’re HIV-negative.

æ: Wow. Perhaps a word about your upcoming book?

Elizabeth: I’m trying to explore right now what brings me back to Indonesia, what it is about this country, although this country is endlessly infuriating and frustrating and drives me mad, yet I keep on coming back for more. Sometimes it feels like it’s a bad boyfriend: it makes you laugh and make you smile and make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, and you know it’s all going to end in tears but you keep on coming back for more.

So I’m trying to figure out why that should be. I’m spending a year travelling around the outer reaches of Indonesia, hoping to define this indefinable beast. And if all goes well, the book will be published by Granta in 2014. My working title is Taking Tea with the Dead.

æ: Is there anything else you’d like your readers to know?

Elizabeth: You are responsible for your own behaviour. You are responsible. HIV is a choice nowadays. And you can choose not to get it. And don’t come whining to me with stigma, etc, etc. If you’re having sex with another guy then you’re not in a situation where stigma is an issue. You may experience stigma in other areas in your life, but if you’re about to take it up the ass, you’re not facing stigma. You can use a condom.



Elizabeth Pisani’s book, The Wisdom of Whores, is available from major bookstores. She also blogs about HIV issues at She is also documenting her travels and reflections on Indonesia at her new blog, Portrait Indonesia, at

Ng Yi-Sheng is a Singaporean gay writer and poet and author of SQ21: Singapore Queers in the 21st Century, a documentary on LGBT Singaporeans. Read his past publications on

This article was originally published on 8/10/12 in, a media platform dedicated to LGBT news and issues in Asia, and republished on the MoSex blog with permission from the author. Founded with a mission to “Empower Gay Asia,” Fridae provides a platform that bridges cultures, transcends borders, and unites the diverse groups to form Asia’s largest gay and lesbian community.

Double Vaginas (NSFW)

I’ve made it a point to troll the darkest recesses of the internets to see things that I haven’t seen before. I’m particularly interested by fetishes – there’s so much stuff that I’ve never even thought of, so I figure if I see new stuff and get a reaction (i.e. boner), I might discover a fetish I never would have thought of on my own.

This is not one of those things that I’m personally into but, apparently it must get someone off. If so, I’m curious to hear who and why…

Not sure if hilarious or disturbing.

[This video contains adult content of a sexually explicit nature. You must be 18 and over to view this.]

Two Pussies